Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Skullfucked By Christmas

It'll be easy, I thought.

Just go over to LensCrafters and order some new sunglasses
, I thought.

Just a quick trip to the Mall, I thought.

I can even grab some lunch and thermal underwear while I'm there, I thought.

Ok, I'm still a little shell-shocked from the experience, but I'll try and relate some of the bullet points:

1. Did you know they're selling fake pets now? They're called "Perfect Pets", and they're lifelike dolls that you put in little padded pet beds in your house, and it looks like you have a dead cat or dog or something.

2. The hot new thing for children this year is to have your 1 month old baby photographed with Santa. That's right, have your newborn infant, less than 10 pounds, cradled in the arms of a man wearing a suit that has been defiled in every possible way by legions of screaming children who just want a pony.

3. There are 5, count them, *5* different versions of "Let It Snow" on the mall's soundtrack. I know, because I heard all 5 during the hour and fifteen minutes I was there.

4. There is also at least one gangsta rap version of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer", in which a picked-upon little freak named Rudolpho grows up, joins a gang of angry elk, and slaughters a significant portion of Santa's workforce in a sleigh-by shooting.

5. LensCrafters slogan, "Glasses In About An Hour", is actually, "Glasses In About An Hour From The Time You Order Them, Which Will Be 45 to 60 Minutes After You Walk In The Door." Needless to say, I won't be able to pick up my sunglasses until tonight or tomorrow.

6. 90% of the items available at Victoria's Secret are not sexy. (This is not new, but it has been highlighted by some of their Christmas-themed items...)

7. 1 4-year-old child is adorable. 2 4-year-old children are cute. 350 4-year-old children is enough to make someone contemplate suicide.

8. AND IT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING DECEMBER YET.

Did I mention we're not having a tree this year? ;)
posted by S.C. @ 1:03 PM |

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