Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Chain Email Wisdom

I received this email as a forward from my lovely wife.:

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on
the same day. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.



I don't know who wrote this, but thank you.
posted by S.C. @ 2:17 PM | 2 comments

The Miracle Of The Loaves And The Fishes

So, for those of you who don't know, the title of this entry refers to a New Testament story about Jesus providing a shit-ton of food for a bunch of smelly, ungrateful people (original King James wording, garunteed!). As the story goes, he gets his homies (the A-Team) to bring him all of the food they can find, and it ends up being two or three baskets of bread and fish. He tells them to distribute the food among the masses, and as they are handing out food, it never runs out. Nobody can figure it out.

Well, we had our own version of that miracle these past few weeks, and I needed to share how blessed we were. Yes, The Redhead and I witness...The Miracle Of The Toothpaste Tube.

I swear to you, EVERY DAY for the last, oh, three weeks, each of us would think the toothpaste tube was finally empty, only to find one more use left in it. By the time the next person came to brush their teeth, it would again contain one more dose.

I'm not actually sure the tube ever did run out, but we went ahead and bought a new one anyway...if it wasn't a miracle, then it meant that the toothpaste was reproducing at a rate fast enough to make up for what we used each day, and I don't want to think about that...
posted by S.C. @ 7:39 AM | 0 comments

This Week's 'Fun With Searches'

Here are a couple of searches that lead to my site in the past week:

Solo tabs for wild cherry's play that funky music

and

quotable redheads


Excellent!
posted by S.C. @ 7:33 AM | 0 comments

Monday, January 30, 2006

He Sleeps With The Fishes

The Redhead's biggest event of the year was on Saturday, the Midwinter Ball / Auction that has become, in recent years, LobsterFeast (700 people, 2200 pounds of lobster, good time had by all).

This year's theme was "Mobster Lobster."

posted by S.C. @ 7:55 AM | 4 comments

Friday, January 27, 2006

Faith In Your Pilot

I went to the airport to pick my brother up last night, and as I pull up to the information display, I see his flight has been delayed by about a half an hour. Undaunted, I head over to the TSA-designated "waiting area", a parking lot about a mile away from the terminal, and sit and watch planes land for a while. Being the aviation enthusiast that I am, I had a portable radio with me, so I could listen to the planes check in with the tower, and thus I knew when my brother had landed.

I pull up to the terminal, he gets into the car and says, "Sorry I'm late, but our pilot got lost in the Atlanta airport."

Apparently, they had a last-minute gate change, and the pilot couldn't find the new gate. After this was announced to the people on the plane, the passenger next to my brother asks, "And this guy flies planes?"
posted by S.C. @ 8:12 AM | 1 comments

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'm Impressed

GM just announced that, in the fourth quarter of 2005, they lost $4.8 BILLION (with a 'B').

That's some impressive skill, there. I couldn't do that if I tried.
posted by S.C. @ 9:30 AM | 1 comments

Lend-Lease Agreement

The Redhead and I went to see moe. (sic) last night at Jillian's, here in Louisville. I always like seeing this band live, they usually make me dance, and last night was no different. They owned my ass.

Or, at least, rented it from The Redhead, and I don't think they're getting their security deposit back...
posted by S.C. @ 9:20 AM | 1 comments

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Undignified Deaths

There are many, many unpleasant ways to die, but it would really suck to be killed by hiccups.

How much would that suck when you got to the afterlife?

"Hey, how'd you die?"
"Me? I burned to death saving six orphans in an apartment fire. Luckily, they all got out safe. How about you?"
"I, uh...I was killed by hiccups..."
"Bummer."
posted by S.C. @ 11:47 AM | 2 comments

A Bad, Bad Man

Why is it that, when I hear a song with a lyric like "Just lay your head on Jesus' breast" that my mind automatically replaces it with something like "Just suck a little on Jesus' titty"?

I am so going to hell.
posted by S.C. @ 7:38 AM | 1 comments

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

There's Always A Reason

I KNEW there was a reason that I couldn't come up with anything to post today, and it's probably the same reason that today has been a pretty shitty workday.

Today is the worst day of the year. It's confirmed!
posted by S.C. @ 2:24 PM | 1 comments

AWOL

No, I'm not really AWOL, I'm just...uninspired.

Give me a little while, I'll come up with something witty and charming.
posted by S.C. @ 8:40 AM | 3 comments

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Fun At WalMart

"You know, you're almost as much fun to take to WalMart as a bag of 'shrooms."

Yes.
posted by S.C. @ 5:38 PM | 3 comments

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Safety First

I love that I have a wife that will say things to me like...

"I've always dreamed of an OSHA-compliant love life."
posted by S.C. @ 7:47 PM | 3 comments

Stock Tips

Today, let's discuss an interesting quirk of market economics.

Say you own a stock in company A. If company A posts its largest quarter profit EVER, sell the stock. It's a demonstrated fact that, the more profitable a company is, the more the stock will drop.

Small profits will result in small drops, which are quickly remedied. Large profits, however, take a while longer to recover from, and you may lose significant value.

The real world scenario I'm discussing here is Apple. After their most profitable quarter EVER, their stock dropped almost 10% overnight.

Note: This rule, apparently, doesn't hold for stocks in oil companies.
posted by S.C. @ 8:57 AM | 0 comments

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Career Planning

I'm in the wrong career field.

I want to be like the guy who just ran a study which determined that men enjoy seeing bad people suffer.

I mean, why not have a job where people give you money to tell them what they already know?
posted by S.C. @ 3:39 PM | 0 comments

Making The Big Time

One of the top five searches that led to my blog over the past week...

"Do It Harder Please"

I'm so proud...
posted by S.C. @ 9:00 AM | 7 comments

Political Advice

You know you're in trouble when the advice of several respected political analysts amounts to this:

"I think he should speak less" (Ed Renwick, Loyola University)

Mad props to Mayor C. Ray Nagic of New Orleans for pissing off white *and* black leaders with the same remarks.

"...this city will be an African American majority city. It's the way God wants it to be."

Also, here's an Attaboy! for managing to upset Hispanic leaders last year by asking them how to prevent Mexican workers from overrunning New Orleans.

Here's the entire Washington Post story. It's very entertaining.
posted by S.C. @ 8:52 AM | 0 comments

"24" and Catharsis

The Redhead and I watched the first four hours of the new season of "24" last night (I'd recorded them on my fancy-schmancy DirecTV DVR), and it was fun. I haven't really checked in with the series since the first season, because "24" is the kind of show where, if you miss an episode, you're out of it. Especially when I was working in the theatre, there was no way in hell I'd be able to watch prime time TV regularly, so it wasn't an option.

Last night's episodes got me to thinking, "Where's Kim?" And, no, not for the reasons you probably think I wanted to see her. One of the best pieces of editorial humor I have ever read was written by Hank Stuever. Entitled Run, Kim, Run!, it discusses the character of Kim Bauer as the ultimate form of national catharsis, an amplifying mirror that takes all of the trials and tribulations we face in our world, expands them, and then clumps them all together in a single day.

It's worth a read. It stuck with me so deeply that, even now, two years after it was written, I still find myself randomly saying, "Stupid, stupid Kim."
posted by S.C. @ 7:42 AM | 1 comments

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Subliminal Messages

Do you think the people who built a Moby Dick next to a Big Boy knew what they were doing?
posted by S.C. @ 9:19 AM | 0 comments

Whew!

The Redhead and I went to see Brokeback Mountain last night as part of our Oscar watch. I walked out immensely satisfied, not only because the movie was good, but because the hype was worth it.

The last few years, I've been burned by the hype. I remember hearing how outstanding Million Dollar Baby was, and then walking out after the movie asking myself what the fuck was that?

Same thing with Mystic River, the year before. I remember crying out in agony when those movies proceded to win award after award after award. I thought that, surely, someone would stop the madness, but it never stopped. I was a broken, embittered shell of a movie-goer, reduced to seeing movies like Hellboy and Transporter 2.

Thankfully, there has been an outstanding crop of films that arrived late in 2005. I'm actually looking forward to the Oscars this year...
posted by S.C. @ 8:26 AM | 3 comments

Monday, January 16, 2006

People You Don't Know, But Should

The first neighbor I met when I moved into my house was a homeless man. This was the early summer, 2004, and I met him as he I was walking up the main entrance to the walking court where my house is located. I remember it vividly, because he asked me how many days until the Kentucky Derby, which he was convinced was next week sometime. (In fact, it had been run about a month before)

Since then, I've seen him around quite a bit. I'd pass him on a side street as I was walking out to my car in the morning, and we'd trade hellos. In the afternoons, I'd see him strutting down the sidewalk, just as content as could be. Every now and again, I'd run into him as he came out of some yard or alley or dark corner that he had just appropriated for his urinary needs.

He was a very nice man whose name we never learned, and never thought to ask. He would ask people for money once, and if they said no, he'd never ask again. Polite, friendly, and proud, he was the king of all he surveyed. He's been such a fixture in the neighborhood that he's been included in a mural on the wall of one of the local restaurants.

Last week, The Redhead mentioned that we hadn't seen him around in a while. On Saturday, while reading the local weekly newspaper, we came across an article about him. Apparently, two weeks after New Years, he curled up to sleep by a secluded fountain. When they found him early in the morning, his body temperature was 75 degrees, and he did not survive the trip to the hospital.

I have to say, I will miss him. He wasn't a friend, but he was more than just a stranger.

A tribute to Mark Daniel "Danimal" Haines.
posted by S.C. @ 2:21 PM | 0 comments

Visual Stimuli

Nothing clever to say yet this morning (the day is young), so I rifled through my Flickr account and pulled out a couple of my favorite pictures. I've been taking pictures for years, but these two are just about my favorite pictures that don't involve family / friends.

The top one is from Santorini, Greece (our honeymoon), and the bottom one is from Rome, Italy. Click the pictures for the regular size version.


posted by S.C. @ 8:55 AM | 2 comments

Friday, January 13, 2006

Fun With Subtext

During a conversation with a caller who is still printing out digital photos so she can scan them back in...

Me : I'm sorry, but I can't provide any better printer throughput. The length of time it takes to print a picture is determined by a number of factors, none of which I have control over.

(Translation - It's not going to get any faster. Deal with it, you dumb bitch.)

Her : So what am I supposed to do?

Me : Well, there are a number of other options available, including a revamped Warranty system that will allow you to attach as many individual files as you want, negating the need for a single file.

(Translation - Well, you could do it the *right* way, you fucking moron.)

Her : Well, that takes too long.

Me : Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do at this point to assist you further. Please feel free to contact the warranty trainer if you need to discuss changes to the process.

(Translation - I am not responsible for fixing the problems you've created out of sheer ignorance. Have a nice day.)
posted by S.C. @ 3:37 PM | 0 comments

Getting The Point Across

It's been one of those mornings:

P,

The second problem with the spreadsheet has been fixed.

Let me be absolutely clear with you on this. You should, at no point, use the Tools menu to unprotect the sheet or workbook. The sheets handle their own protection, and if a cell won't let you edit it, it's for a reason.

SC


I'm taking bets on whether the recipient manages to screw up her worksheet in the same way again.
posted by S.C. @ 11:46 AM | 0 comments

Green Ham & Eggs

Gee, I'm glad there are finally glow-in-the-dark fluorescent green pigs in this world that were't created by a nuclear power plant...

Now, if they can come up with bright pink elephants, I'll be happy.
posted by S.C. @ 10:03 AM | 2 comments

It's News To Me

I remember when we used to have journalistic standards in this country, and it took more than a college degree to write for a major newspaper...
posted by S.C. @ 9:16 AM | 0 comments

Thursday, January 12, 2006

WTF, Mate?

How the fuck did someone find my site by searching granndmother and son in porn?

Ewwww, ewww, cooties. Go away, whoever you are.

Also, learn how to spell.
posted by S.C. @ 8:04 AM | 1 comments

People Who Should Be Sterilized

Stand by for a sentance that I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought would be put into print:

Fetuses do not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the carpool lane, a judge has ruled.


I've been trying for an hour to come up with something funny to say about this...and I've finally decided that the article speaks for itself.

So read, read my darlings.


via CNN News
posted by S.C. @ 7:38 AM | 0 comments

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Other People's Traditions

Wouldn't it be great if people in this country believed in the grand tradition of the siesta?
posted by S.C. @ 2:12 PM | 2 comments

Yakkity Yak

Don't talk back.
posted by S.C. @ 8:56 AM | 0 comments

Monday, January 09, 2006

Congressional Children's Books

Upon hearing the recent announcement that Teddy Kennedy would be publishing a children's book, I immediately wondered who else in our beloved Congress would be a good children's author. The answer came to me immediately. Sen. Ted Stevens.

Can't you imagine what great children's titles he'd produce for us?

ANWR Andy and The Case Of The Magic Juice - An adventurous romp through the Alaskan wildlife as everyone's favorite sleuth, ANWR Andy, tries to outwit Devious Democrats, and Evil Environmentalists in his search for the elusive Magic Juice, buried somewhere deep within the Magic Forest. This fun tale of personal integrity helps children learn the value of an under-the-table Congressional dealings, as well as the importance of never welshing on a promise.

Or, how about...

Ira The Idealist Goes To Washington (And Testifies Before A Senate Panel) - A thought-provoking tale of one little boy's struggle to right wrongs within the American Legislative system, Ira The Idealist takes on tough questions like, "Why should people have to give sworn testimony, they always tell the truth anyway..." and, "Why do junior Senators always feel like they have to cause trouble for our beloved Chairman by putting forth nasty motions and the like?"
posted by S.C. @ 12:43 PM | 4 comments

Inspirational Children's Literature

That's right, kids, now your favorite U.S. Senator is now your favorite children's book author.

Look for his new children's character, modeled after Curious George, Drunken Buffoon.

Drunken Buffoon Goes Driving (Off Of A Bridge)
Drunken Buffoon And The Cracked Out Stripper
Drunken Buffoon Goes To Washington (But Thinks It's Atlantic City)
posted by S.C. @ 11:49 AM | 2 comments

Flying Backwards

Ever feel like you're running in place?

I decided not to fly last night, even though it was nice and clear, mainly because of reports of severe turbulence from the surface to 6000 feet. Had I flown last night, I could've exploited one of the many wonders of flight, namely the difference between airspeed and ground speed.

Simply put, take an airplanes airspeed and add or subtract the speed of the air itself (wind) and you get your groundspeed. For example, last night, I could've climbed to 3000 feet, pointed myself into the wind, slowed the plane to 60 knots, and literally hovered over a single point on the ground.

Even better, I could've slowed to 50 knots, and flown backwards over the ground.

Gotta love physics.
posted by S.C. @ 10:33 AM | 0 comments

$200 Eggs

We had a blast on Saturday. Loaded up in the plane, flew over to Mt. Sterling, KY, had a great visit with our friends who live over there. We even got to see / surprise another friend of ours who was visiting them on her way back to Nashville. Good times, good times.

Our friends in Mt. Sterling have recently acquired chickens, both egg-laying and meat bearing. They sent us home with a plastic bag full of farm-fresh eggs, which gave me new incentives not to bounce the landing on the way back.

Pilots call a trip to an airport for food the "$100 Hamburger"...are these $200 eggs?
posted by S.C. @ 7:36 AM | 0 comments

Friday, January 06, 2006

Putting My Time To Good Use

The Redhead and I are taking our first "we're going somewhere because we want to go there and do something" flight tomorrow. She's flown with me before, but most of my time has been in "hey, I want to fly where can I go oh yeah I can go here and land and come back" flying.

Should be fun. :)
posted by S.C. @ 10:03 AM | 4 comments

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Wading Through Molasses

Well, between the short night, the "daytime" cold medicine (non-drowsy, my ass), and our number 1 print server going on the fritz...my literary output vis a vis the blog has been curtailed this afternoon.

Management apologizes for the lack of entertainment. Brain dribbles will resume shortly.
posted by S.C. @ 10:49 AM | 0 comments

Lessons Learned

I learned a very important lesson last night. I learned that, if I feel the need to drink hot tea before bedtime to soothe my sore throat, for God's sake I need to make sure it's decaf before I drink three cups of it.
posted by S.C. @ 7:33 AM | 3 comments

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Fun With Logs

I like to check my analytics results once or twice a week, see how many people are checking me out (not a lot, but I seem to have some kind of small following, I have ten or so people who seem to check me out almost daily...

I also like to check what search keywords are bringing people to my site. The most interesting search phrase for the past 7 days is:

pictures of two best friends at a party that rocks

The week before that, the standout was:

THE PACKAGE WAS MISSED AT THE UPS FACILITY, UPS WILL DELIVER ON THE NEXT BUSINESS DAY

Obviously, someone was as unhappy as I was that UPS forgot to load a package.

Some other interesting search terms that have lead to me:

pictures of pennywise the clown from IT
tony stewert barbecue sauce
edgy mama
national cowbell day
sin on a plate


Also, if you're one of the Brits who's checked me out, and you came back, drop a comment and let me know. I like to hear what people across the pond have to say.
posted by S.C. @ 9:32 AM | 1 comments

Spelling Bee

"Ok, Timmy, your word is...multitasking."

"Can I have a definition, please?"

"The concurrent operation by one central processing unit of two or more processes."

"Can you use it in a sentence, please?"

"'Having sex with your wife while on the phone with DirecTV customer support, arranging for a replacement for your Digital Video Recorder which was shorted out in a storm two nights ago, is what I'd call multitasking.'"

"Multitasking. M. U. L. T. I...wait, what did you say?"


It's their own damn fault for keeping me on hold for 25+ minutes...
posted by S.C. @ 7:47 AM | 2 comments

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Fun With Signage

Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of the interesting things I saw this weekend, but I hope my literary descriptions will suffice.

First off, there's a fun sign on I-75 in Kentucky, about mile marker 35 or so, that you can see if your heading south towards Corbin. The following is not a blogger's typo:

"Super 8 Motel. Eixt 6"

In Tennessee, again on I-75, this time a little north of Chattanooga (choo-choo!):

"Scrubs Outlet. Open Every Day & Sunday."

And, finally, in the license plate category, a plate seen on a bright green car:

SOYLENT
posted by S.C. @ 10:13 AM | 3 comments

The NYE Recap

Greetings, friends and neighbors. I hope everyone's New Year's revelry was up to standards. The Redhead and I had a blast. Here's the weekend recap:

Thursday Afternoon - Drove from Louisville to Knoxville, TN (I had some work to do there Friday morning)

Friday - Worked a couple of hours in the morning, then headed down to Atlanta. Found our hotel, checked ourselves in, caught a quick nap. Walked down to a sushi place just down the street for dinner (yum!). Caught a shuttle van the hotel was running downtown, walked to Phillips arena, chatting with the people who were heading to the Georgia dome for the Peach Bowl (don't even get me started on this whole stupid fucking Chik-Fil-A thing...apparently, it's blasphemous to open for business on Sunday, but it's perfectly fine to ruin the image of a major football bowl game). Went to the show, danced like a maniac, got asked a couple of times what drug(s) I was on ("Dude, I'm high on LIFE!"...no, no, I didn't say that. You don't have to slap me or anything.)

Got asked by a guy with a coldsore if he could have some of my water...I politely declined, explaining that I was just getting over a bad cold, and he didn't want any of it. His response? "It's ok, dude, I have a wife."

If you figure it out, let me know.

Made our way back to our hotel via MARTA and an overpriced taxi.

Saturday - Slept in, then walked down to a gourmet food store owned by an old friend of The Redhead. The Redhead and friend had not seen each other since before both of them had gotten married (it's been about 4, 5 years), so there was much talking and rejoicing. And they have a really cool shop, as well. We were forced, forced I say!, to taste cheese and really good vinegars and crackers and the like. Horrible. Every minute of it. ;)

Had a fabulous lunch in Buckhead at a place called Anis, I highly recommend it to anyone staying in the area. The Redhead had a salad with a piece of grilled wild salmon that was the best piece of fish either of us had had in, oh, a decade.

Back to the hotel, time for another nap. Got up, drove to a Park & Ride MARTA stop, parked and rode. Got downtown just in time to catch the Sugar Bowl parade, which was fun.

Back to Phillips Arena for another night of music, another great show. It does get a bit difficult to continue dancing after the 4th hour of the show has rolled around, especially if you're not hopped up on some kind of stimulant, but it was still a good time. I have to say, Phillips Arena is SWANK. By far, my favorite arena venue that I've been to. Plush cushions on the seats, great decor in the concourses, lots of TVs everywhere so you can watch what's going on if you've stepped out to get some air or an overpriced bottle of water...

Rung in the New Year with the band for a couple of hours, then headed back to the hotel for some sleep. While walking from the MARTA stop to the parking area, I swear I bumped into a guy who was in my suite my first year at college. Bizarre.

Sunday - Slept in. Grabbed brunch with a bunch of friends who were in town for the show at the Buckhead Diner, AWESOME eggs benedict. Hung out with some other friends who had an evening flight (our room was a suite, so we had them come over after they checked out and just sat and talked and looked at wedding photos).

Monday - Got up, got breakfast, got the hell out of Atlanta before the storms hit. We only had a little bit of rain on the entire drive back, but we did pass through the cold front just outside of Nashville...got home, started laundry, watched part of the Sugar Bowl...good times, good times.

Synopsis: We had a frikkin' blast.
posted by S.C. @ 7:31 AM | 0 comments

Monday, January 02, 2006

Home Again, Home Again

Home again, we missed most of the storms while driving through Tennessee (though we did watch the temperature display on my car drop from 77 to 61 in two minutes...), but it looks like my DirecTV receiver got blasted.
posted by S.C. @ 7:46 PM | 0 comments