Tuesday, February 28, 2006

On The (Steve) Jobs

Keynote Day is always a very important day to use Apple fanatics. It's the day where, for a brief but shining hour, we sit, glued to our computers, looking for the websites that have the latest updates on what His Steveness is presenting.

For example, as I type, they've intro'd a new Mac Mini on the Intel chip, and a boombox for the iPod that will serve as a home stereo replacement.

Now, normally, my credit card is already out and waiting when he starts the Keynote (the online Apple Store goes offline for the duration of the speech). Indeed, there was a strong temptation to buy another Mac Mini (it's got some cool updates, okay?), but I successfully fended them off, at least until AFTER tax season. ;)

However, this is a demonstration of how truly outstanding Steve Jobs is at marketing. The Apple community has been abuzz for the last couple of weeks about what he could be introducing at this Keynote, and this happens every time he gives one of these things. People are just lining up, ready to buy whatever he throws out there for them. It's a wonderful combination of showmanship and artistry that we really haven't seen in this country since the days of P.T. Barnum.

On a tangent, if you haven't seen Pirates of Sillicon Valley, you should really watch it. Quite a fantastic look into the backgrounds of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates...
posted by S.C. @ 1:40 PM | 2 comments

Why You Always Prepare For The Worst

I take after my father in a lot of ways, but the two traits that we share that are important to this story are our love of flying and our obsession with planning.

He flew down to Georgia yesterday to go hunting. I was chatting with him this morning before I headed out to work, and he mentioned that he had gone through an RTO, or Rejected Take-Off, on their way out of Louisville yesterday.

Turns out that, on the takeoff run, the airspeed indicator wasn't coming up (it doesn't usually start measuring until about 40-50 knots). Some pilots wouldn't have noticed it until they were airborn, or even at altitude, but good pilots include it in the list of things that have to go right for it to actually be a takeoff.

For the plane my dad flies, the list is usually: Throttles to full, verify power set (make sure the engines are actually running at full), airspeed alive, redline (stall speed), blue line / Vmc (speed of minimum lateral control if one engine were to suddenly fail), rotate (pull back on the yoke to get off the ground), climb established (vertical speed indicator verifies a positive climb), gear handle up, gear lights show up and locked.

Nine items on that list that have to be completed and verified before it actually counts as a takeoff in his mind. Otherwise, it's an aborted landing just waiting to happen.

As it was, they were able to stop the takeoff, taxi off the runway and back to the hangar, and check out the pitot-static system. Turns out that there were pieces of tape over the pitot tubes (which allow air pressure in for the purpose of measuring airspeed) that had been left there by the people who had washed the plane over the weekend. Not a life-threatening circumstance, but something you don't want left on your plane when you're cruising at 290 knots 33,000 feet above the ground.

The tape removed, they restarted the engines, headed back to the runway, and successfully took off and flew to Georgia.

This is one of the many reasons my father is my role model.
posted by S.C. @ 10:17 AM | 0 comments

Putting The Fun Back Into Taxes

So, it's come time to send our tax information to my accountant for this year's return. Most of the information has already been completed, but The Redhead and I just need to sit down for an hour this evening and bull through the remaining, nit-picky items.

However, in an effort to make this as painless as possible, I've come up with a couple of variations on the tax preparation theme:

Strip Deductions - Every time a player comes up with a new (yet valid) deduction, the other player removes an item of clothing.

Coed Naked Tax Filing - Pretty self-explanatory, really. Titties and 1099's, oh my!

The 1040 Drinking Game - First, watch Star Wars, and take a shot every time Luke becomes a whiny little bitch. Next, try and complete your 1040 form while blasted out of your skull. Garunteed for a good laugh, especially when the IRS comes to audit your drunk ass.
posted by S.C. @ 8:48 AM | 1 comments

Monday, February 27, 2006

"I'm going to the oral argument myself."

While this phrase has probably graced the lips of Vickie Lynn Marshall, otherwise known as Anna Nicole Smith, in this instance it was uttered by a probate lawyer, James Wade.

Put simply, ANS married an 89 year old millionaire in 1994. He croaked in 1995. She claims that his son, Pierce, interfered with his desire to leave her money in his will. His son, Pierce, says he didn't.

And, yes, this is about to be argued in front of the Supreme Court.

I fucking LOVE this country.


via Yahoo! News
posted by S.C. @ 12:24 PM | 1 comments

At Least We Left Before Rodney Dropped His Pants

The Redhead and I had a busy, fabulous weekend. Saturday night, after seeing some Brazilian dancers downtown, we headed out to a King Cake party at some friends' house. For the uninitiated, the King Cake is a braided coffee cake associated with Mardi Gras, with a token (usually a little plastic baby, don't ask me why) baked into it. The person who gets the piece with the baby has to buy the next cake (and, with our friends, host next year's party), but gets a year of good luck in exchange.

That being said, I resolved that, if I tasted plastic, I was going to keep on chewing. Last year's recipient got divorced a few months after the party, and while it could've technically been considered good luck, I'm a big fan of married life, and want to stay that way.

It being a Mardi Gras party, there were beads, and I'm told there was flashing going on as the night turned to morning. We ditched about 1:30 in the morning, but tales have been told of what we missed...
posted by S.C. @ 9:54 AM | 1 comments

Gratuitous Cuteness : Keep Away

Good morning, readers of mine. (All 8 of you)

Horoscopes will be available a little later this morning, and my regular posting schedule of 4 to 6 Limited Edition Posts per day will resume after that.

To tide you over until then, though, I thought I'd share this picture my father took of some visitors to his house yesterday. My aunt Carol (my mother's sister) brought her twin grandchildren out to the farm to play yesterday, and Sarah and Olivia seemed to really enjoy playing with my parents' dog, Casey.



I'm not sure how much Casey was enjoying it...
posted by S.C. @ 8:12 AM | 1 comments

Future Perfect - End Of February Edition

Horoscopes - Monday, February 237th, 2006


Aquarius
Wow, Aquarius, you're in for a fantastic week. I see a better job, a winning lottery ticket, and tons of mind-blowing sex in the future for the next few days...wait, hold on. You're Aquarius? Sorry, wrong horoscope. The highlight of your week will be trimming your nose and ear hair. Bummer


Pisces
Horoscope ads work! Your ad here, (502) 555-1243.


Aries
Aries, quality and style will be your focus this week. It's like my mama always said, "Life is like an Andouille sausage; it's always better if you use real intestines."


Taurus
You're off to a good start, Taurus, but you need to make sure you follow through on your commitments. Be sure to take some time to relax this week, it will help you better absorb the information you are learning. You will be shot in a duel on Wednesday after you call a coworker's hygiene into question.


Gemini
It's the time of the year for your annual Spiritual Spring Cleaning. In order to drive the bad spirits that have collected in your living space over the last year away, you'll need to play Afternoon Delight on your stereo at full blast for at least 36 hours. Make sure to open all of your windows so the evil can escape.


Cancer
Wow, your life is kind of boring, isn't it?


Leo
You've got a busy month ahead of you Leo, but you'll get through it. Be sure to take advantage of the "March Madness Back Rub Special" at the Maplewood Day Spa and Crossword Clinic.


Virgo
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called "life". Electric word, "life", it means "forever", and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell you, there's something else: The Afterworld. A world of neverending happiness. You can always see the sun...day...or night.

So, when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. Everything-Be-Alright, instead of asking how much of your time is left, ask him how much of you mind, babe. 'Cause, in this life, things are much harder than The Afterworld. This life, you're on your own.


Libra
You two can make a living creating horoscopes! My patented system will teach you how to use newspaper stories, personal conversations, T.V. Shows, and Prince lyrics to create horoscopes for fun and profit. But wait, there's more! If you call now, I'll throw in a copy of my newest book, "The Future And You: How To Make Decisions Based Upon The Most Random Shit You Can Find In An Attempt To Justify It To Yourself And Others."


Scorpio
This is a good week for you to just kick back and relax on the beach. Make sure to take a parka for Monday and a bathing suit and some suntan lotion for Tuesday. Be careful around uncooked shellfish, they can still hear you while you discuss your plans.


Sagittarius
You have a number of people who are impressed with your project management skills, so try to remember the Microsoft business model this week. When asked for an estimate on when you'll complete a project, tell them next month, and then actually deliver two years later. Once the final patch release is out in four years, you'll be a millionaire.


Capricorn
Avoid competing on Iron Chef this week, or things go go really sour with you and Bobby Flay (something involving skim milk, a gas grill, and a llama). Go out of your way to help strangers, unless they smell funny.
posted by S.C. @ 7:31 AM | 0 comments

Friday, February 24, 2006

Gratuitous Cuteness : Bride & Groom

Here's another bit of Gratuitous Cuteness for you, this is the second or third morning of our honeymoon, the Redhead and I got up to watch the sun rise.


posted by S.C. @ 10:56 AM | 4 comments

Shameless Plug

Go over to Edgy Mama's blog and check out the reasons that women shouldn't take men on vacation.
posted by S.C. @ 10:50 AM | 1 comments

Discretion

...is the better part of valor.

Remember that.
posted by S.C. @ 10:19 AM | 1 comments

High Society

A friend of mine forwarded this to me in an email. I know many of you have probably already seen it, but I felt compelled to share:



I tell you what, thank god for the Dollar Palace. There are times that I just can't bring myself to put on the shoes and shirt required by Wal-Mart, but I still need to shop.
posted by S.C. @ 9:13 AM | 0 comments

Woo-To-The-Fucking-Hoo

Well, I managed to drag my lazy ass to the gym last night. It wasn't the world's greatest workout, but it's a start.

Thinking about it, I haven't been to the gym since before the wedding (in October).

So, I'm playing a little bit of catch-up.

And, yes, I know that, on some level, I'm being psychologically influenced, seeing all of these men and women on TV who are in the most incredible shape of their lives. Actually, watching the Olympics and trying to pick a sport based upon my body type, it puts me in the cross country category, based solely on the fact that my thighs are freakin' awesome...of course, that comes from carrying around all of this upper body weight...

Anywho, I'm going to try and go again tonight. Let's see how long I can keep this up.
posted by S.C. @ 8:22 AM | 0 comments

Congratulations Are In Order

Congratulations to the Japanese for their first Olympic gold medal in women's figure skating.

Seemed like a big deal to them, so I thought I'd add my best wishes to the group.

Now, if you REALLY want to win a sport that takes balls, work on the freestyle ski jumping (you know, the one where the jumpers go up a fourteen foot ramp and do incredible twists and flips five stories in the air?)
posted by S.C. @ 7:56 AM | 0 comments

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Everybody's Favorite

I just saw an ad on NBC that referenced:

"Everybody's favorite psychic soccer mom."

I tell you what, we need more psychic soccer moms.

We could also use some telekinetic yuppie dads and precognizent honor roll students, what do you say?
posted by S.C. @ 9:14 PM | 0 comments

Future Perfect - Sunny Thursday Edition

Horoscopes - Thursday, February 23th, 2006

Aquarius
Did you know that you get better gas mileage if you let all of the air out of your tires? Also, black paint is an excellent stain remover, stop signs with white lines around the border are optional, and 4 inches really is a "good length."


Pisces
Try to avoid insulting any concert pianists this weekend. That's all I've got for you.


Aries
Time to kick that charm into high gear, Aries, as you are called upon to pacify a crowd of unruly drunks who claim to have been insulted by a duck that looks like a hotrod and keeps talking about "duck erections." (We won't even go into what he reportedly said about "duck gang bangs") Also, be aware that your cat may have had a hand (paw) in planning the latest attempt on your life. When all else fails, Jell-O shots can help take the edge off.


Taurus
Damnit, go to the gym. You keep putting it off so you can go "flying", or whatever you want to call it. In fact, I want you to drop and give me twenty, right now.


Gemini
Marzipan chocolates with walnut sprinkles may be demonstrably viscous, but kittens wearing ribbons offset the Moon's waning phase with their versimmilitude. Eat more pork.


Cancer
Cancer, when asked for input regarding an issue of tribal sovereignty this weekend, just remember the words of our steadfast President:

"Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004


Leo
Excercise patience this week, Leo, with people who just don't get it. Remember, killing them and dumping their bodies may be fun, but who is going to do their job if they're floating in the bottom of the river?

Remember that snuggling is the best form of therapy, and making sweet love down by the fire helps, too. Make sure not to forget to finish any Scrabble games that have been put on hold.


Virgo
Virgo, I know what you did, and if you don't want me to tell a certain Mama of Edginess that you put on a brown wig and borrowed someone's green Toyota SUV just so you could put a dent in the Mamamobile, you'd better pony up some cash right away.

In other news, expect to be attacked by a squadron of feisty chipmunks later this week.


Libra
Try to keep your cool this weekend, Libra, as you are beset by legions of rabid Dave Matthews fans after some remarks of yours are taken out of context. (Though, how someone could take "Dave Matthews is a horrible, horrible person who makes shitty music and should be put to death for the good of the entire country" out of context is beyond me.) Have someone smack you around for a while, it'll make you feel better.


Scorpio
If you go skydiving this weekend, Scorpio, remember to take your parachute. Major actions have major consequences. Don't shit where you eat. Or is it sleep? God, I don't know. **Insert the generic warning / axiom of your choice here.**


Sagittarius
Juipter just completed its first full revolution in your sign in more than a decade, Sagittarius. This is a cause for celebration, as your genital warts will soon be leaving you. Don't forget to give thanks to the gods by burning your neighbors' cat as a sacrifice.


Capricorn
Watch out for low-flying waterfowl this weekend, Capricorn. During the late winter / early spring months, ducks and geese are known to practice dive bombing moving targets. Women named Larry are the source of some intrigue on Sunday.
posted by S.C. @ 2:30 PM | 3 comments

Winter Sports

"Are you sure you don't mind me blocking the Olympics?"

"Hon, the Olympics is just guys going down a snowy hill on plastic planks. These are titties in my face. I don't mind at all."
posted by S.C. @ 1:56 PM | 0 comments

Sweet Duck Love

Please don't ask why I've been researching duck mating habits (you get some weird hits when you Google "duck erections"), but I ran across an entry on the mating practices of Mallards this morning.

"Mating for Mallards is not simply an act of procreation. in fact, it is part of the ritualized pair bonding. It may occur several times a day for months prior to actual egg laying.

This up, down, up, down head nodding gesture is a mutual agreement of sorts. It signifies the pair's commitment to mate.

When a sufficient amount of head bobbing has taken place, and the female is ready, she will stretch out her neck and allow the drake to mount. To keep his balance, the drake bites the back of the hen's neck.

After copulation, the drake does a victory swim around the female, while she performs a ceremonial bath and a wing stretch."


Awww, yeah. It's all about the head bobbing and the victory lap.

From Wings Over The Marsh.

(If you need someone to blame for this, blame Edgy Mama.)
posted by S.C. @ 11:36 AM | 1 comments

Words To Live By

"Of course, you can't ride home on a bowl of goat. I've always said that."

-Ron White, Drunk In Public
posted by S.C. @ 11:33 AM | 0 comments

Reasons Why

The trip to Memphis had an unexpected up side, namely, reminding me why I enjoy working for a small, closely-held company.

The trip was an executive branch visit, I had just hopped on because I.T. had something it needed to take care of at the branch. The purpose of the visits, for the executives, is twofold. First, it allows them to talk to all of the managers and get a sense of how things are going at the branch. Second, it gives them a chance to talk to all of the employees and keep them apprised of the situation.

This second goal is achieved by a presentation held during a catered lunch (usually BBQ, we're in the south here). The mental image of the Chairman of the Board and the CEO giving a PowerPoint presentation to 30 mechanics and parts guys while they munch on ribs is kind of funny to me, sometimes. The presentation discusses how the company is doing financially, what the forecasters are predicting for the next year, and how the company is doing on the strategic plan.

Having seen this presentation each month for the last 10 months (I tag along on a lot of these visits, it beats driving to the branches), I was expecting to be bored by it. However, many changes have been made which I found interesting.

First, the presentation has grown even more specific in terms of strategic planning and forecasting. They make sure that everyone at least has an idea of what the company is trying to accomplish, and how they're going to do it. This is nice, especially after reading articles about companies who keep their plans secret, even from their employees.

Second, there was an expanded segment on health care, retirement planning, and career extension. It really made me feel good about my employer, listening to the CEO talk to a bunch of mechanics about the company's 401(k) match, which is an even match of all contributions of up to 5% of an employee's wage. (Comparatively, the average for Fortune 500 companies is half of contribution up to 6%, or up to 3% on the part of the employer) Our CEO stood there and almost begged the people who aren't participating (roughly 70% of our employees participate) to join up and start planning for retirement. I really feel good about working for people who genuinely care for their employees as much as they care for the business.

My part of the trip was semi-succesfull. I took care of what I had originally planned to do, but we were supposed to do a network upgrade that QWest hadn't been ready for the night before, but they still weren't ready. C'est la vie.
posted by S.C. @ 8:43 AM | 0 comments

Flying Blind

Hey hey hey, kiddos. S.C. here, back from his wonderful day trip to Memphis (I'm trying to type sarcastically). Actually it wasn't bad, just short. 1 hour down (corporate jets RULE!), 3 hours on the ground, 1 hour back.

Witty posts and horoscopes will resume today.

After we got back yesterday, I had a flight lessons scheduled with my instructor. I didn't think we were going to be able to use a real plane, seeing as there were low clouds and all, and had resigned myself to another hour in the simulator. Lo and behold, the clouds lifted just enough for us to go out and practice some flying under the hood.

When I say, "under the hood," what I mean is I put on this nifty little contraption (kind of looks like that thing you put on dogs to keep them from scratching their face) that limits my view so that I can only see the instrument panel, and none of the outside world. This simulates instrument flying, where clouds obscure the horizon, so you must fly solely by reference to instruments.

Let me tell you, after 130 hours of flying planes by looking out the windows, putting on something that shuts out my view of the outside world went against every fibre of my being. The feeling is weird. You body still senses motion (which grows more incorrect as time passes, since your brain uses both your eyes and your inner ear for balance), so you know you're speeding along a thousand feet above the ground at 110mph, but you can't see it. Additionally, the first time flying under the hood, you're trying to get a feel for the plane, and what it really takes to keep it straight and level, or in a standard rate turn, or whatever. So, you're all over the sky.

I tell you what, the flight instructors who teach instrument flying must have balls of steel and stomachs of iron...
posted by S.C. @ 8:27 AM | 0 comments

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Addictions

Why am I addicted to office supplies? I had to run by Office Depot for some padded mailers for work, and all of a sudden I'm browsing the entire store, just enraptured by the writing implements, planning and scheduling tools, organizational items, everything.
posted by S.C. @ 1:36 PM | 5 comments

Brown Goes Green

My environmentalist readers will enjoy this one.

United Parcel Service (UPS) just announced that, in 2006, the company will order 50 hybrid delivery trucks (at twice the cost of normal trucks) and 4,100 high-efficiency trucks, which will give a 15% decrease in fuel consumption.

Gas savings for the hybrids is projected at 44,000 gallons per year (880 gal/year/truck).

Gas savings for the high-efficiency vehicles is projected at 1.5 million gallons per year (365 gal/year/truck). Yay for economy of scale!

via AutoBlog
posted by S.C. @ 10:03 AM | 0 comments

How The Hell Did This Happen?

Watching the winter Olympics, I really enjoy figuring out where the events came from. Ski jumping and downhill skiing are pretty easy to figure out. The biathalon is pretty easy too, it comes from chasing something down and killing it in the snow.

What I don't get is curling. Seriously. Who said, "Hey, shuffleboard is such a fucking awesome sport, wouldn't it be extreme to put it on ice and give people little brooms and make them run around on the ice without skates?"

I mean, seriously, curling? Curling can be part of the Olympics, but baseball can't?
posted by S.C. @ 9:45 AM | 1 comments

Choices

So, yesterday and today I've been working a later shift in order to perform some network upgrades after our branches close. (For the technically-minded who are interested, we're upgrading fractional T-1 lines from either 512kbps or 768kbps to full T-1s at each of 14 remote branches)

The up side is, I'm very much more awake, even just sleeping in that extra hour. Additionally, it's quite nice to wake up and have breakfast with my wife, even though she says that, for some reason, it takes her longer to get dressed when I'm around. ;)

The downside is, arriving an hour later puts me out of work an hour later, so instead of 7:30 to 4:30, it would be 8:30 to 5:30. Wherein lies my dilemma.

I enjoy not getting up at the butt crack of dawn.

But, if I want to fly after work, I really need to be out of here by 4:30 to be able to get some good flight time in.

Choices, choices, choices.
posted by S.C. @ 9:37 AM | 0 comments

Monday, February 20, 2006

Your Shipment Has Been Delayed

Well, it looks like my shipment from www.MatchesAndLighterFluid.com will be a little late in arriving.





(In all seriousness, folks, this is what can happen when you don't declare your hazardous cargo. Luckily, nobody was hurt. The cause is still unknown.)
posted by S.C. @ 3:04 PM | 0 comments

You Said It

Watching the Ski Jumping finals Saturday night, I heard one of the commentators say:

"Successful ski jumping depends on convincing your body to do something your brain knows is suicide."
posted by S.C. @ 11:52 AM | 0 comments

Future Perfect - Late Morning Edition

Sorry for the delay, kiddos. I'm working a later shift today and tomorrow.

Horoscopes - Monday, February 20th, 2006

Aquarius
You see that guy over there? The one in the blue shirt? Yeah, he's checking you out. Which is unfortunate, seeing as you have an incredibly huge zit smack dab in the middle of your forehead. Seriously, this thing is huge, like, orca huge. It's like a little volcanic island rising out of the sea of your face, huge. Like, "Oh my god what is that is it the elephant man?" huge.

On a side note, this is not the week for you to feel self-conscious. Hold your head up high (oh god, but how can you do it with the weight of that massive zit?) and take everything in stride this week.


Pisces
I'm sorry to have to do this to you, Pisces, but I must reveal the secret of this season's run of 24: Jack Bauer is a woman.

Also, you need to make sure to interpret the fact that you did not win the lottery in the correct fashion. It doesn't mean that you were statistically unlikely to win with only one ticket, it means the universe and the U.S. Government are plotting against you, and your only salvation is to burn your house down and become one of those people who walk around the streets talking to themselves.


Aries
Aries, this week you will experience sweet revenge, though you may not even know it. Remember, turnabout is fair play, but your Karma ran over my Dogma. Albino sheep spell disaster for you on Wednesday, but they get it wrong and are eliminated from the competition.


Taurus
Paranoia is your friend this week, Taurus. Keep an especially close eye on your coworkers, they're planning on you experience a tragic, and fatal, computer error later today. To protect yourself, take your computer out to the parking lot and run over it with your car a couple of times, just to be safe.


Gemini
If you reconfigure any network routers this week, Gemini, please remember to enable to VTY port with a transport input all statement, and to assign a password, otherwise you'll have problems when you try to operate the router remotely down the road. Remember, "I before E except after C, except for the exceptions."


Cancer
Don't have the tuna salad sandwich for lunch today, Cancer. Stick with the chicken breast instead. Everyone knows that eating tuna during Pluto's retrograde is suicide. Don't be too embarassed when you forget to wear pants to work on Wednesday, it happens to everyone...ok, no it doesn't, you're a dumbass.


Leo
This is a great week to be a Leo, Leo. You will be showered with love and attention from all sides. Be wary of strange women wearing bright pink tights over their heads, though. They spell trouble.


Virgo
Wonder why you're having trouble reading street signs, Virgo? Well, that old adage about masturbation making you go blind is actually true, in your case. Any time you pleasure yourself more than forty times in one weekend, be prepared for some lasting physical damage. On another note, your investments in the company that manufactures AstroGlide will begin to bear fruit in the coming month...


Libra
Just don't talk to me for a while, Libra, I'm still pissed off that you got drunk and hit on my sister over the weekend. Beware llamas bearing gifts.


Scorpio
If you decide to install new carpet this week, Scorpio, remember: Steamrollers may be heavy, but Jell-O will win the battle more often than not. Once you truly understand this principle, your will live the rich, full life you've always wanted.


Sagittarius
Sagittarius, your week will be a bit boring until you're eaten on Wednesday by the twenty-foot-long radioactive python that's been living under your house for the last year. Thursday won't be much fun either, after you're laid off from work for being stupid enough not to notice the twenty-foot-long radioactive python that's been living under your house for the last year.


Capricorn

A visit to your chiropractor later this week goes terribly, terribly wrong, and leaves you unable to say the word "penis" without giggling. The influence of Mars on your sign this week points to strife, so be careful around any mimes you run across. Eat more fiber.
posted by S.C. @ 9:03 AM | 1 comments

Happy President's Day

I, for one, feel that President's Day needs more traditions that involve nipples and strings of plastic beads.
posted by S.C. @ 8:57 AM | 0 comments

Friday, February 17, 2006

Concepts

I'm a guy who loves concepts.

For example, I love the concept of a flamethrower, because it means that someone had to have said, "You know, I want to set those people, over there, on fire. But, they're way over there. If I only had something that would, I don't know, throw flame at them..."

In reality, a flamethrower is a horrible, horrible thing. But I like the concept.

Same thing with this:


This is the GAU-8 Avenger. It's a really, really, really big gun meant for killing tanks. But they needed a fast, safe way to get it close to the tanks to shoot at them, and a semi-truck just wouldn't do it for them. So, they designed a plane to carry the gun.



It's the only time in history a plane has been specifically designed around a weapon. Literally, around a weapon.

Again, the reality of dumping a combination of high-explosive and depleted uranium armor-piercing rounds into the vehicle of some guy who wants to kill you sucks. But the concept is cool.
posted by S.C. @ 3:31 PM | 0 comments

Weekend Plans

This weekend is pretty mellow.

I have a flight lesson tomorrow morning.

We're seeing Dance Brazil tomorrow evening.
EDIT : No, we're not, it's next week.

I may fly again on Sunday.

Other than that...lie in bed, contribute to the crossword graveyard...
posted by S.C. @ 10:09 AM | 0 comments

Is "Evasion Tactics 101" An Available Class?

I was talking with my father about my youngest brother, A, who was just elected President of the Inter-Fraternity Council at his college. We've long joked that A, an economics and commerce major, will rely on my brothers M, a budding accountant, and C, a budding lawyer, to keep him out of trouble.

My father's quote this morning:

"He's gonna be the Ken Lay of the family."
*pause*
"Maybe that's not a completely apt description."

A isn't malicious or evil in any way. Nicest guy you've ever met. Would never screw anybody.

He does, however, have a history of making stupid choices, and the thing that accentuates this is that he always gets caught. He has absolutely no capacity for deceit, so if he ends up doing something he shouldn't be (like, drinking underage on Spring Break) he always ends up getting busted for it (by, say, walking past a uniformed police officer while holding a red plastic cup full of beer).

Let this kid loose on the business world, I shudder to think what could happen. ;)

EDIT

I should point out that he is one of the smartest, nicest people I know. Just has no guile whatsoever.
posted by S.C. @ 7:59 AM | 0 comments

Veni, Vidi, Viici

I may have mentioned to some of you, but not all, that I was starting training for my instrument rating last night. It was an hour in a simulator, basically working with an instructor on creating a "skills inventory", i.e., how much work he needs to do. How'd it go?

I came.
I simulated.
I kicked its ass.

I figure any time I'm asked, repeatedly, "Are you sure you've never done this before," it's a good sign.

Yeah, I'm bragging a bit, but I'm very excited about it. :)
posted by S.C. @ 7:49 AM | 2 comments

Thursday, February 16, 2006

HellDesk Call Of The Day : Passwords

*ring ring*

S.C. : "Good morning, HelpDesk, S.C. speaking."

Caller : "Yeah, I can't get into my server."

S.C. : "Um, and which server would that be, ma'am?" (Ed Note : We currently have 16 servers that are regularly accessed by users)

Caller : "The one I log on to in the mornings."

S.C. : "Sooooo, that would be your Terminal Server?"

Caller : "Yeah, that's what I said."

S.C. : "Ok, which server number do you log into?"

Caller : "Three."

*clickity clickity click*

S.C. : "Just one moment. Is your username XXXXXXXX?"

Caller : "Yes."

S.C. : "And, what password are you using?"

Caller : "YYYYYYYYY"

*clickity click*

S.C. : "Hmmm, okay, that checks out. I'm going to try and log in from here using your username and password, give me just one moment."

*clickity clickity click*

S.C. : "Yes, I got in with no problems. Can you make sure your caps lock is off?"

Caller : "Yes, it's off, I already checked."

S.C. : "Okay, can you make sure you're typing your password correctly, please?"

Caller (agitated) : "Of course I'm typing it in correctly, I'm not stupid!"

(Ed. Note : At this point, the HelpDesk worker had a strong urge to mumble "Oh, but I have proof to the contrary," but he restrained himself with a heroic show of mental will.)

S.C.
: "Okay, well, the only thing that I can tell you is that I can confirm that you're connecting to the server, which means your terminal and network connection are working. I can confirm that you're attempting to authenticate with the server, and that the system is rejecting your username / password combination. Now, assuming that you spelled your userid correctly (Ed. note : first name), and taking into account that *I* can log into the server with your username and password, I don't know what to tell you except to be more careful typing in your password in the future."

Caller
: "I'm NOT typing in my password wrong, there's something wrong with my server!!"

S.C. : "Thank you for calling, and if you have any further problems, please don't hesitate to let us know."
posted by S.C. @ 12:23 PM | 1 comments

Contempt of Michael

Holy shit, I just thoroughly reread that article.

I never realized that Michael Jackson has sons named Prince Michael and Prince Michael II.

I'm so far out of the loop in Entertainment News...
posted by S.C. @ 11:06 AM | 0 comments

Contempt Of Court

So, there's been a turn in a publicly watched parental-rights case that has me a little baffled. The background of the case is that a couple with children filed for divorce in 1999. At the time, both the mother and the father agreed that the father should have sole parental rights. The mother even went so far as to say, in court:

"These are his children. I had the children for him. They wouldn't be on this planet if it wasn't for my love of him. I did it for him to become a father. Not for me to become a mother. You earn the title parent. I have done absolutely nothing to earn that title."

Sounds pretty straightforward, right?

Not so fast. In 2004, she challenged the placement of the children with the father. Her attornys argued that proper court procedure hadn't been followed. A recent appellate court decision agrees with them:

"A court cannot enter a judgment terminating parental rights based solely upon the parties' stipulation that the child's mother or father relinquishes those rights," the appeals court said.

I honestly just don't get it. I really, really don't understand why, if the mother says "I give up my rights as a parent", that can't be interpreted by the court as the mother giving up her parental rights. I mean, is this one of those "No means Yes" situations?

What makes this more bizarre is the father is Michael Jackson.
posted by S.C. @ 11:00 AM | 0 comments

Auditory Stimulation - Heaps of Johnson

My lovely Redhead picked herself up a couple of CDs this week (I know, I know, WAAAAY retro), and I have conveniently stolen them so I can rip them to my work computer.

The first is Imogen Heap's album Speak For Yourself. If you don't recognize the name, you may recognize the voice, because she fronts the band Frous Frous, which had a single on the Garden State soundtrack that was also featured in most of the trailers. Speak For Yourself is a really good album, made even better by the track Hide And Seek, an a capella number that really pushes the limits of voice alteration (it has at least four harmony parts, and Heap sings them all). It's a really inventive track that I've listened to over and over again since stealing the disc.

The second album is Jack Johnson's new release, Sing-A-Longs and Lullabies for the film Curious George. The songs are simple, many of them well-known children's songs, but the entire album is fun, light, and enjoyable, thanks to Johnson's mellow voice and guitar stylings. I would highly recommend this for anyone, but especially for parents, because it gives the spawn something to listen to that doesn't completely grate on your nerves after the first fifty repetitions. Jack's cover of We're Going To Be Friends is quite engaging, and the opening track Upside Down is a fun, bouncy number.
posted by S.C. @ 10:36 AM | 1 comments

Future Perfect - Post-Valentine's Edition

Greetings to you all!

Horoscopes - Thursday, February 16th, 2006

Aquarius
I'm sorry to say, this weekend will definitely not be the Age Of Aquarius for you. After you manage to drop your cellphone into the toilet on Friday (nice job there, sport), you manage to drop a laptop, keyboard, electric razor, and food processor in the toilet on Saturday. Avoid legal-size paper this weekend.


Pisces
Look! I got a new phone! Ain't it nifty?

What, you want something about your future? Jesus, you Pisces, all you ever want to hear about is yourselves. Ever consider that I might have things going on in my life, too? You selfish bastard...


Aries
The threads of your fate are as tangled as the cords behind your computer desk this weekend, Aries, but don't fret. When in doubt, drink beer. Your children are plotting against you, so make sure to strike first by sending them to bed with no dinner.


Taurus
I'll let you in on a secret, Taurus...I've seen your sister naked. And, daaaamn, she's fine-looking. I'd tap that ass in a second, yo. In fact, I foresee that I will, and soon. Make sure to frequent a 7-11 this weekend.


Gemini
I hate to break it to you, Gemini, but you will not be getting laid for a very, very, very long time, due to Uranus' position relative to the Ecliptic. Even your right hand will reject you this weekend.


Cancer
You'll take up painting this weekend as you slowly go insane, Cancer. Rest assured that, in a decade, your work will be considered the best example of 21st century American art by the majority of the art world. Of course, you'll have died from a combination of syphilis and a bus accident by then, but your name will live on through history.


Leo
Lovely Leo, your weekend will be filled with happiness, joy, and maybe some breakfast in bed. Look to add another three or four crossword puzzles to the Crossword Puzzle Mass Grave by your side of the bed, and to be coerced into watching the Battlestar Galactica mini-series on DVD..


Virgo
You're going to have a busy weekend, Virgo. After an eventful visit to the zoo (don't be afraid to sling your poo back at those damn baboons), you will single-handly save the residents of a burning orphanage, the acclaim from which will last several weeks, until people start to find out what you were doing in the orphanage at 3am in the first place...



Libra

For safety reasons, I'm going to suggest that you avoid going on any hunting trips with any members of the Executive Branch of the U.S. Government this weekend, Libra. Steer clear of small dogs wearing sweaters for a few days, as well.


Scorpio
I know money's tight this time of year, but it may be time to splurge on that "special massage" you've been thinking about getting.

Your lucky lotto numbers: 2, 5, 13, 22.12, 32 1/2


Sagittarius
You'll need to survive on a diet consisting of condensed milk and stale candy corn over the next week, Saggitarius, after you accidentally lock yourself into some old nut's fallout shelter. Don't worry, they'll be able to gas axe the door open before the air supply runs out, but not before the stench of your unwashed body becomes completely unbearable.


Capricorn
They're coming for you tonight, Capricorn. People say you're just paranoid, but it's not paranoia when they're really after you, right? If you want to pre-lube yourself to make the anal probing go smoother, feel free. They appreciate the effort.
posted by S.C. @ 7:36 AM | 2 comments

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Brokeback Willie

Willie Nelson has released a new song for Valentine's Day:

Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other)


Here are two lyrics from the song:
"What did you think all them saddles and boots was about?"

"Inside every cowboy there's a lady who'd love to slip out."



The thing that makes this funny is...it's true.
posted by S.C. @ 11:11 AM | 1 comments

And Now, Back To The Regularly Scheduled Program

We had a fantastic dinner last night, gifts were exchanged, snuggling was done, a very successful day of love all around.

And, now back to mocking the world around me...

In recent news, Pamela Anderson has announced that she will be boycotting the Kentucky Derby.

"It makes me want to avoid Kentucky altogether, which is sad because there are so many great people there," Anderson said in a statement released Tuesday by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Thank God. We don't want her here, anyway. We have enough white trash as it is.
posted by S.C. @ 7:54 AM | 1 comments

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Ode To The Redhead

No, no poetry here, just a simple declaration of fact on this, our fourth Valentine's Day together (and first as a married couple):

I love you. I know I tell you a lot, but I wanted to make sure that you really knew. I love you, and being married to you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I was thinking last night about the past, and the eternal question of what I could've done that would put me in a different place today. Could I have continued to fly throughout college, and be furthur along on that career track? Could I have majored in something other than theatre? What if I had taken another series of jobs out of college, where would that have led me?

No matter what alternatives I mulled, they ultimately turned out to be unsatisfying, because the only way I would have met you is if I had lived my life exactly as I have. I am so incredibly happy with you that the answer to the question of, "What would you change about your life?" would be, "Nothing. I'm right where I want to be."

Thank you so very, very much for being you.

Happy Valentine's Day
posted by S.C. @ 8:59 AM | 4 comments

Ode To The Redhead, Part Deux

Oh, and, thanks for not ending the relationship when you learned that I listened to both Yanni and Metallica during the same car trips.
posted by S.C. @ 8:58 AM | 2 comments

Brokeback Flower Shop

As previously mentioned, The Redhead and I went to an advance screening of Imagine Me & You last night, mainly because it was free. Neither of us had heard much about the movie other than the basic premise (married woman falls in love with another woman, hilarity ensues) but, again, it was free, so we went.

We were both pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable the movie actually was. Aside from being set in London, which immediately gave us honeymoon flashbacks, the film was humorous (see my earlier comments about the father of the bride, who was fantastically droll), touching, and thought-provoking. I'd recommend it to anyone looking for some light lesbian faire.

Seriously, though, The Redhead and I had a good discussion about the movie on the way home. While I in no way endorse cheating or infidelity of any kind, the movie brings up the point that sometimes, people can get themselves trapped into a marriage without ever realizing that they're with someone of the wrong gender, and there needs to be a way to address that without resorting to lifelong infidelity.

I'll also mention Matthew Goode, who played the husband. A very fine up and coming yound actor, in my opinion. I really enjoyed his performance in this film, and hope to see him in more projects very soon.

The major thing I noticed about this movie is that, while male homosexual relationships seem to take place in cold tents in the wilderness with nothing but a few grunts (a la Brokeback Mountain), lesbian intimacy seems to involve a lot of giggling and flowers. Who knew?
posted by S.C. @ 8:14 AM | 1 comments

The Hound

We went to an advanced screening of Imagine Me & You last night (it was fun, review to come in a bit). Though the movie centers around a young couple and the wife's lesbian love interest, my favorite character was the father in law, who provided loads of comic relief. At one point, the husband tries to talk with his father in law about his new wife, and he responds:

"We can't talk about Rachel. You see, we can talk about just about anything else, and be fine, but the moment you mention her name, the only thought that is in my mind is...this is the hound who's sticking it up my daughter."

That line is going to SO flash through my mind the next time I see my father in law.
posted by S.C. @ 6:48 AM | 0 comments

Monday, February 13, 2006

Unexpected Results

I just got a voicemail forwarded to me by my boss, and it falls into the category of "Voicemails I Get So Rarely That I Forgot People Use Voicemail For This Purpose."

"I just wanted to call and say thanks for setting my laptop up so it could connect wirelessly at the branches, I got here and it connected right up and is as fast and smooth as ever..."

Um...are you sure you're at one of OUR branches? Because, if the people at the branches are to be believed, the network eats puppies and shits their remains into the mouths of the users' firstborn children...
posted by S.C. @ 2:47 PM | 1 comments

Salvation, Thy Name Is Caffeine

As I finish off my second large dose of caffeine for the day (I normally just have one in the early morning), I'm starting to feel a little more normal. Now, I'm only slightly tired, like maybe I just woke up and haven't really gotten it together yet.

Baby steps.
posted by S.C. @ 1:35 PM | 0 comments

The Walking Dead

I don't know why, but I am just bombed today. It's going to take a hell of a lot of caffeine to get me through the day.

Weekend update to come once I wake up a little more.
posted by S.C. @ 9:41 AM | 1 comments

Future Perfect - Pre-Valentine's Horoscopes

This is what you get when I try to be witty when I can't even focus my eyes.

Horoscopes - Thursday, February 9th, 2006

Aquarius
This will be a good week for you, Aquarius, as you finally realize that puppies, like plants, grow faster if you urinate on them. Try to spread the love to as many doggies as you can this week, and remember that dogs wearing sweaters are ripe targets for your golden stream of growth.


Pisces
Pisces, you know I normally encourage you whole-heartedly to emulate Dick Cheney in all of your mannerisms, but this week you should lay off, in an effort to avoid shooting a hunting buddy. Instead, it will behoove you this week if you make Sen. Ted Stevens your role model, as a number of people are going to try to reason with you to get you to change your mind on something, and it is in your personal best interest to treat them as if they're insane. Mountain goats are an ill omen for you this week.



Aries

Aries, Aries, Aries. What can I say? I mean, I wish I could tell you that the itchy, burning sensation you're feeling *didn't* come from the baboons at the zoo, but why lie? On a positive note, you will find your life filled with laughter this week after you sell all of your posessions, leave the kids with your mother, and become a traveling stand-up comic.



Taurus

Just go back to bed. You'll be really glad you did.


Gemini
"Some look for religions, others look for truth." Bear this piece of wisdom in mind this week, Gemini, when you find yourself in a bar with a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde. Beware black cats operating heavy mining equipment.


Cancer
Do your best to avoid kicking small dogs this week, Cancer. Karma can be a bitch, and Saturn's early-morning appearances suggest that she's on the prowl this week. When in doubt, play strip poker with a city councilman.



Leo

This is a good week for you to play naked in the snow, Leo. If you don't have any snow on the ground near you, play naked in the local ice cream shop instead. Rocky Road and Super Fudge Vanilla Chunk Supreme are your flavors of the week.


Virgo
Give it up, Virgo. Your attempts to psychically seduce David Letterman will never work since he's been court-ordered to have special metallic shielding installed around his brain to prevent his incredibly powerful thought-waves from causing women across the country to go bankrupt. Instead, try and bend your will to making David Hasselhoff's head explode on national TV.


Libra
Avoid the following this week, they will only bring you problems: Cats, dogs, goats, sheep, airplanes, cars, diamonds, baseballs, pine trees, Christmas decorations, Jehova's Witnesses, mob witnesses, Steven Tyler, bathing, sunshine, lawn chairs, cinder blocks, and 34-year old women named Suzanne.


Scorpio
You really need to work on your snoring problem this week, Scorpio. Also, try to be a little less slovenly in your style of dress. Stand up straight. Wipe your nose. Comb your hair. Don't slouch! Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you, so help me, I don't know why I ever let your father talk me into not using a condom. "The Pill is all you need," he said. "Nothing could go wrong!" he said.



Sagittarius

This week is a good week to get stoned and listen to The Dark Side of The Moon. They say that, if you sync it up right, the lyrics match up perfectly with the lip motions from the latest State Of The Union address. Give it a try!


Capricorn

Oh, hell, I don't know. Some things will happen, you'll see some people, eat some food, sleep a whole bunch, that kind of thing. Face it, you're going to be pretty boring this week, Capricorn.
posted by S.C. @ 7:30 AM | 1 comments

Saturday, February 11, 2006

It Was An Honor Just To Be Nominated

Whatever happened to handling a situation gracefully?

Apparently, after losing out on the Grammy for Album Of The Year to U2, Mariah Carey locked herself in her dressing room and would not come out for several hours.

I tell you what, THAT'S class.
posted by S.C. @ 10:34 AM | 1 comments

Friday, February 10, 2006

Hooray!

My mother had her last post-operative chemo treatment on Monday, so she is now on her way down to the Florida Keys for some much-deserved R&R in the warm sun.
posted by S.C. @ 2:11 PM | 1 comments

Precious Moments

Have you ever had to pee really, really badly, but were stuck in a situation (I don't know, maybe like a small plane?) where you couldn't relieve yourself for a couple of hours?

Do you know how GOOD it feels once you get to the bathroom? Almost orgasmic.

As a side note, I had a very nice flight last night, bladder issues on the first leg notwithstanding.
posted by S.C. @ 7:22 AM | 2 comments

Thursday, February 09, 2006

We Are Not Responsible For Your Lack Of Planning

Just received a call from a salesman who had been working on some Word documents and left them open while he went to lunch. His computer ran an automated update over the lunch break, and rebooted itself so the update would take effect. The salesman is flustered because he lost all of his changes.

Come to think of it, I think this is the same guy who called me about four months ago and complained he had lost all of his day's work because the power failed and reset his computer.

You'd think he'd have figured out the purpose of the Save button.
posted by S.C. @ 2:33 PM | 1 comments

Overheard Conversation : Office Restroom

Guy : "I don't know what I ate or drank last night, but I've had to piss fifteen times this morning, and I've shit three time since six a.m."


God, I could've gone the rest of the month with out hearing that.
posted by S.C. @ 11:23 AM | 1 comments

Computing Tip #1 : Footloose

Here's a tip from your friendly IT worker.

If you use a desktop PC, and you keep the tower portion (you know, the box with all the guts) under your desk...
DON'T tap it rythmically with your foot throughout the day.
DON'T put it in a position where you will kick it multiple times a day.
DON'T hit it with your chair every time you leave your desk.

Your computing life will be happier and more fulfilling this way.
posted by S.C. @ 10:14 AM | 0 comments

Future Perfect - Midweek Edition

Hey hey hey, it's everybody's favorite astrologer, back for more. Let's see what we have here...


Horoscopes - Thursday, February 9th, 2006

Aquarius
Your parents are going to write you out of their will next week, so this weekend might be an opportune time to have a little "discussion" with them. Avoid front-loading washing machines for a few days.


Pisces
You'll experience a bit of added stress this week, Pisces, when your best friend cuts the brakes on your car as a prank. Things should be smooth sailing after Saturday, though, so make the most of it by lounging in a hot tub full of strawberry Jell-O.


Aries
To paraphrase George W. Bush, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...shame on...we won't get fooled again."* Take this advice to heart this weekend, Aries, and launch a pre-emptive strike against one of your neighbors that may or may not be plotting against you. Make sure to pick the neighbor with the most valuable plot of land.

*actual G. W. Bush quote.


Taurus
Don't be surprised if you see Halley's Comet over the weekend, Taurus. Though the fabled ice ball isn't due back for more than 50 years, you will have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see it for yourself, up close and personal, if you drink the Kool-Aide that those nice people in the white robes offer you.


Gemini
Gemini, Venus' ascendancy in your sign gives you a larger than normal chance of getting laid this weekend.* Beware unexpected body hair.

* not actually true, but you can dream, can't you?


Cancer
The confluence of Mars and Jupiter provide you ample opportunities for fun this weekend, Cancer. Go ahead, go wild, cut the "Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of Law" tags off your mattress and pillows.


Leo
Be sure to brush up on your air guitar skills, you never know when you might need them.


Virgo
According to The Official Ninja Website:
"Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window."

Be sure to keep this in mind over the weekend, Virgo.


Libra
Your name is now Irene. Deal with it, you pansy.


Scorpio
Don't be a wuss like Irene, Scorpio, stand up for yourself. The next time that bus driver thinks he can just drive wherever and whenever he wants, remember, stand your ground. Pedestrians may not look dangerous, but there burns in you a fury like none other on Earth.


Sagittarius
No matter how much fun it might sound like, avoid putting a lightbulb up your ass. It will only end badly for you. Chopped vegetables will give you trouble this weekend.


Capricorn
Your wildest dreams will come true this weekend, Capricorn, provided that your wildest dreams involve sitting on the couch at home, playing video games and wishing that your right hand was a little more friendly...
posted by S.C. @ 8:10 AM | 1 comments

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Grammy-atical

Hey, why not blog the Grammies?

8:02 - Gorillaz kick it off. Nice animation, I wonder if it looks that good to the people at the event.

8:07 - Oh my god, Madonna freaks me out.

8:13 - I'm on the couch next to The Redhead and she just turned to me and said,

"It really freaks me out that Mariah Carey is competing in the same category with Paul McCartney."

8:18 - Stevie Wonder and Alicia Keys. They're rambling a bit, but the a capella duet of Higher Ground makes up for all of it.

8:20 - American Idol goes Grammy. Kelly Clarkson just won Best Female Vocal Performance. Better than Mariah Carey, at least.

8:24 - Coldplay is up. Chris whateverhisnameis ("Mr. Paltrow", "Apple's Dad", whatever) is doing his best monkey-man impression up on stage. Ooooh, look, he's in the audience now, isn't he a badass?

8:28 - Back from commercial, John Legend is playing a spiffy little piano number. It's supposed to be sentimental, and I can tell that because it's in black and white.

8:33 - Sugarland (I think that's their name), one of the nominees for best new artists, is on stage. Besides the fact that it's country, and she's twangy as hell, technical difficulties are enabling us to listen in on the backstage technical channel from time to time. At least it proves it's live...

8:34 - Merle Haggard receives a lifetime achievement award. Presented by the female vocalist from Sugarland, and two guys from a group called Big & Rich.

8:35 - Best Country Album...Lonely Runs Both Ways, Allison Krause and Union Station. It strikes me during obligatory crowd shots as a little weird that one of the nominees for Best Male Country Vocalist is an Australian with the last name Urban.

8:40 - Back from commercial. U2 is onstage. The local music want-ads advertise "Power Rock Singer, 40, Seeks Weekend Cover Gig. Call Greg."

8:43 - Vertigo ends, Mary J. Blige joins Bono for a duet of One.

8:46 - "Welcome two stars from Crash. Oscar-nominee Matt Dillon and Gremmy Winner Ludacris."

Honestly, who the hell ever thought they'd ever hear Matt Dillon referred to as an "Oscar-nominee"?

David Bowie receives a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award.

8:48 - Kanye West wins a Grammy (Best Rap Album) for Late Registration. He walks up on stage wearing a pair of black gloves and black sunglasses with a white suit, says, "I had no idea!!!" and pulls out a piece of paper with "THANK YOU LIST" printed on it in big black letters.

8:56 - Ben Roethlisberger (sp?) intros a video of Kelly Clarkson acting like a complete ditz, talking about her desire to be on the Grammies.

Kelly Clarkson, a brunette in the video and a blonde in the performance, starts singing in front of a string section, but that can't fix how ugly her dress is.

9:00
- An obviously pregnant Gwen Stefani joins Billy Joe (from Green Day) onstage. Billy Joe wishes Les Paul good luck in getting better (he's in the hospital). They present Best Rock Album to...U2, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb.

9:05 - I still have no idea what the fuck Bono is talking about.

9:12 - Back from commercial again. Paul McCartney. Sweet. First song over, "This is the first time I've played the Grammies, I finally passed the audition, so I want to rock out a little bit." Launches into a sick Helter-Skelter.

9:20 - The Blackeyed Peas (winner of Best Performance By A Duo or Group, presented earlier) and...Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yes. Jenny Love Hugetits with her fantastically bad bangs has joined the Blackeyed Peas to present best Male R&B Performance. John Legend (the black & white piannist from earlier) wins.

9:25 - Mariah Carey performs. I don't care how much better she sounds, bitch don't deserve a Grammy.

9:33 - Kelly Clarkson beats Paul McCartney for a Grammy. In shame, I turn off the TV and go to bed.

EDIT : We ended up watching the entire rest of the show, waiting for Herbie Hancock to perform. Sly Stone coming out on stage for his tribute performance, oh my god, it was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen.
posted by S.C. @ 8:19 PM | 3 comments

Market Ability

The Redhead posted a comment on my post regarding the Ad Slogan Generator, which contained some outstanding results:

We Do Redhead Right.
Dude, You're Getting a Redhead!
Get Busy with the Redhead.
Gonna Be a While? Grab a Redhead.
The Too Good to Hurry Redhead.
You Need A Redhead.


She informed me after the fact that there had been, in fact, another really good one that she didn't post. She agreed to let me post it, adding, "Yeah, my husband's pervy."

Just let your fingers do the Redhead.
posted by S.C. @ 6:25 PM | 0 comments

At The Movies : Hustle & Flow

We watched Hustle and Flow at home last night, and I must now say that Terrence Howard is my front-runner favorite for Best Actor, which is saying a lot, considering how much of a badass I think David Strathairn was in Good Night, and Good Luck.

If you really want to get a sense of Howard's incredible range as an actors, watch Crash, then watch Hustle and Flow. He will blow you away.
posted by S.C. @ 9:03 AM | 0 comments

Space Invaders

If any of you were wondering where I disappeared to yesterday, or even if you weren't, I was tracking down and killing viruses.

We have it pretty good where I work. Our Internet security is second to none, and because of that, we haven't had any virus troubles in over three years. That changed yesterday, when one of our salesmen who had been in Dallas with his laptop last week came back here and plugged into our network. He had been in a hotel and connected to their wireless Internet connection, and then left his laptop on all night, just encouraging something to come along and infect it.

From this "Typhoid Mary" of sorts, four other machines in the local group were infected via the network. The virus doesn't require an email to spread, just a network connection (in human terms, you don't have to kiss someone to catch it, you just have to breathe the same air).

The reason we found it is that it attempts to send data to a server (apparently located in Russia), and our security won't allow unauthorized outbound data, so the virus would crash, and take the rest of the machine with it.

Needless to say, I was a little busy yesterday.
posted by S.C. @ 7:48 AM | 0 comments

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Marketability

I ran my name through the Advertising Slogan Generator five times. Here's what came up:

1. Cleans Your Floor Without S.C.
2. You Deserve A S.C. Today.
3. S.C. Makes Everything Better.
4. S.C. Comes to Those Who Wait.

and, the best:

5. But I'd Rather Have a Bowl of S.C.
posted by S.C. @ 10:10 AM | 3 comments

Paging Nurse S.C.

I went home after work and played nurse to my ailing Redhead. She's down with a bit of a cold, so I did my best to make her comfortable and help her get some rest.

Warmed up some chicken soup for her (I won't claim I made it), watched the fourth season of Coupling on DVD with her, brought some NyQuil home for her, and tried my best to look sexy in that cute little nurse's costume...those garter thingies chafe a bit, don't they?

You may ask, "Why, S.C., did you play nurse when you could play doctor?"

My answer, "Because nurses don't get sued for malpractice nearly as often as doctors do."
posted by S.C. @ 7:50 AM | 0 comments

Monday, February 06, 2006

Future Perfect - Your Horoscope For The Week

Since some people seem to enjoy my version of the horoscopes a little too much, I thought I'd share with the rest of the world. I'm going to try to do this weekly basis, or even bi-weekly if you're really, really lucky.

Edit: For those who are curious, I'm a Taurus. That's why I'm always so full of bullsh*it.

Horoscopes - Monday, February 6th, 2006

Aquarius
On Tuesday, you will develop ESP for about four hours, so make the best of it. On Thursday, be careful around open flame. It's nothing serious, but eyebrows take a while to grow back.


Pisces
Something about your week will be slightly fishy. (Get it? Fishy? Pisces? Man, I crack myself up.) Keep an eye out for Ken Lay, as he has it in for you. Cough drops present special opportunities.


Aries
Dearest Aries, do you remember that thing that one person told you would happen, but you would prefer it didn't, because of that other thing? Yeah, it's going to happen anyway. You will have a nice salad for lunch on Wednesday.


Taurus
This is a good week to take care of any lingering issues, except in the northern part of the country, where the ground is too frozen for gravedigging. Don't go into any china shops this week.


Gemini
Gemini, you will experience some severe deja vu this week.


Gemini
Gemini, you will experience some severe deja vu this week.


Cancer
Cancer, the message you will find on your answering machine from the IRS this evening isn't serious, so take your time responding. Try to get as much sleep as you can this week, you'll need it. This is a bad week to get a bikini wax.


Leo
Lucky Leo, I'm afraid this week you're being stalked by a nifty little evolutionary badass called "the common cold." (Sorry, babe.) This is a great week for revenge, due to Pluto's position relative to the ecliptic, so be sure to spit in the coffee of the guy who gave it to you.


Virgo
Virgo, the stars have aligned for you this week, so make the most of it. Go ahead and attempt that bank robbery you have planned for Wednesday, but if you get caught, shot, Tazered, or beaten by a security guard, it's your own damn fault. Watch out for shellfish on Friday.


Libra
You think you know all the answer, don't you? Well, we'll see how you like having your head shaved by rabid firefighters who are looking for a golden idol. Fucking smartass.


Scorpio
I know what you did. And if you'd prefer that nobody else knows, send me cash.


Sagittarius
Seriously, dude, if you're looking to some crackpot's theories about how the stars influence your life, you're already lost. That being said, watch out for open elevator shafts this week.


Capricorn
Capricorn, Jupiter has gone into an unexpected retrograde in your sign this week, which will lead you to a Yanni concert before the week is out. Try you best to limit your masturbation this week.
posted by S.C. @ 3:42 PM | 4 comments

Scary Thoughts

I have to admit, during the Stones' halftime performance yesterday, one thing and one thing only was running through my head...

"Please, dear god, don't let Mick have a wardrobe malfunction!"
posted by S.C. @ 2:08 PM | 1 comments

Overheard Conversation : Personal Health

Something I could've gone the entire day without hearing:

Woman (to another woman) : "Babe, you need to get yourself over to the clinic and see Dr. Jake, because that is NOT Pink Eye."
posted by S.C. @ 11:48 AM | 2 comments

What The Hell Am I Writing?

According to Google Analytics, the top two searches that led to my site last week:

"Nothing But Ass"
"Life Sucks"
posted by S.C. @ 8:49 AM | 0 comments

Friday, February 03, 2006

Open Letter To Wade

In my Inbox:

Ohh my God has it been long, since we talked!

But I didn't know how to react when I found what I did find...

This date-website I found won't cost you a dime and on top of it all, I get to

meet all these attractive-members in my area;-)

What are you waiting for? I mean it is free-of-cost;-P

Here's the link

Sincerely! Wade



Dear Wade,

Thank you for your interest in my dating life. I know, it's been forever (and a day!) since we last communicated, or at least 30-45 seconds, judging from the frequency and type of email that I get from you. (Yes, I know there's a different name on each of the emails, but deep in my heart, I know they're from you, Wade.)

I appreciate you forwarding the dating site address to me; however, I must update you as to my marital status, namely that I got married. Now, I know this wouldn't deter some guys from going out and dating a bit anyway, but I'm not one of them. Therefore, I have relegated the information you sent me to the trash can.

Please, do not let this have a negative impact on our relationship. I appreciate and value your input, and really look forward to our daily email exchanges, one-sided as they usually are. (Honestly, I don't know how you manage to send so many emails every day and still get your work done. Aren't you afraid of getting fired?)

As Valentine's Day approaches, I hope that one of the "hotties in your area", as you like to say, turns out to be the hottie for you. I sincerely wish the best for all of my friends and acquaintances, and also for you. I know you will not hesitate to pass along any further information that you deem worthy of my attention.

All my best,
S.C.
posted by S.C. @ 8:36 AM | 3 comments

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Signs Your Life Sucks

You know your life is in the toilet when the people who stage an intervention to get you off of crystal meth are John Stamos, Bob Sagat, and the Olsen Twins.

I mean, come on. Bob Sagat?
posted by S.C. @ 6:32 PM | 1 comments

Only In America

My brother forwarded me the link to this photo, taken from a newspaper article.

posted by S.C. @ 10:27 AM | 3 comments

Ode To The Telegram

Western Union has announced that it will be discontinuing telegram service. In response to this, my father posted the following:

Back in the days of 10bps gusting to 100, the terse-and-to-the-pointness of telegrams was truly an art. For example, when I was born, my grandfather telegraphed an inquiry about his first grandchild in three words:

"Tassel or no?"


I think I know from which side of the family I get my wit. :)
posted by S.C. @ 9:23 AM | 0 comments

Mmmmmm

Oysters Rockafeller.
Flat-iron steak with beans, rice, salsa, guacamole. (Me)
Teriyaki chicken sandwich with fries. (Her)
Death by Chocolate dessert. (Us, to go)

It's a pretty good dinner, made even better by the fact that it was 120 miles away. :)
posted by S.C. @ 7:53 AM | 1 comments

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Dinner Plans

I think The Redhead and I are going to fly up to Indianapolis for dinner tonight.

I used to do this a lot with my instructor and his buddies when I was training (about 8 years ago), so I'm looking forward to doing it again with my wife. :)

(Damn, I still grin like an idiot every time I talk about my wife.)
posted by S.C. @ 10:25 AM | 3 comments

State Of The Union

If a Presidents speaks to the nation, and nobody cares, does he make a sound?
posted by S.C. @ 8:40 AM | 0 comments