Monday, February 27, 2006

Future Perfect - End Of February Edition

Horoscopes - Monday, February 237th, 2006

Wow, Aquarius, you're in for a fantastic week. I see a better job, a winning lottery ticket, and tons of mind-blowing sex in the future for the next few days...wait, hold on. You're Aquarius? Sorry, wrong horoscope. The highlight of your week will be trimming your nose and ear hair. Bummer

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Aries, quality and style will be your focus this week. It's like my mama always said, "Life is like an Andouille sausage; it's always better if you use real intestines."

You're off to a good start, Taurus, but you need to make sure you follow through on your commitments. Be sure to take some time to relax this week, it will help you better absorb the information you are learning. You will be shot in a duel on Wednesday after you call a coworker's hygiene into question.

It's the time of the year for your annual Spiritual Spring Cleaning. In order to drive the bad spirits that have collected in your living space over the last year away, you'll need to play Afternoon Delight on your stereo at full blast for at least 36 hours. Make sure to open all of your windows so the evil can escape.

Wow, your life is kind of boring, isn't it?

You've got a busy month ahead of you Leo, but you'll get through it. Be sure to take advantage of the "March Madness Back Rub Special" at the Maplewood Day Spa and Crossword Clinic.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called "life". Electric word, "life", it means "forever", and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell you, there's something else: The Afterworld. A world of neverending happiness. You can always see the night.

So, when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. Everything-Be-Alright, instead of asking how much of your time is left, ask him how much of you mind, babe. 'Cause, in this life, things are much harder than The Afterworld. This life, you're on your own.

You two can make a living creating horoscopes! My patented system will teach you how to use newspaper stories, personal conversations, T.V. Shows, and Prince lyrics to create horoscopes for fun and profit. But wait, there's more! If you call now, I'll throw in a copy of my newest book, "The Future And You: How To Make Decisions Based Upon The Most Random Shit You Can Find In An Attempt To Justify It To Yourself And Others."

This is a good week for you to just kick back and relax on the beach. Make sure to take a parka for Monday and a bathing suit and some suntan lotion for Tuesday. Be careful around uncooked shellfish, they can still hear you while you discuss your plans.

You have a number of people who are impressed with your project management skills, so try to remember the Microsoft business model this week. When asked for an estimate on when you'll complete a project, tell them next month, and then actually deliver two years later. Once the final patch release is out in four years, you'll be a millionaire.

Avoid competing on Iron Chef this week, or things go go really sour with you and Bobby Flay (something involving skim milk, a gas grill, and a llama). Go out of your way to help strangers, unless they smell funny.
posted by S.C. @ 7:31 AM |


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