Monday, February 20, 2006

Future Perfect - Late Morning Edition

Sorry for the delay, kiddos. I'm working a later shift today and tomorrow.

Horoscopes - Monday, February 20th, 2006

You see that guy over there? The one in the blue shirt? Yeah, he's checking you out. Which is unfortunate, seeing as you have an incredibly huge zit smack dab in the middle of your forehead. Seriously, this thing is huge, like, orca huge. It's like a little volcanic island rising out of the sea of your face, huge. Like, "Oh my god what is that is it the elephant man?" huge.

On a side note, this is not the week for you to feel self-conscious. Hold your head up high (oh god, but how can you do it with the weight of that massive zit?) and take everything in stride this week.

I'm sorry to have to do this to you, Pisces, but I must reveal the secret of this season's run of 24: Jack Bauer is a woman.

Also, you need to make sure to interpret the fact that you did not win the lottery in the correct fashion. It doesn't mean that you were statistically unlikely to win with only one ticket, it means the universe and the U.S. Government are plotting against you, and your only salvation is to burn your house down and become one of those people who walk around the streets talking to themselves.

Aries, this week you will experience sweet revenge, though you may not even know it. Remember, turnabout is fair play, but your Karma ran over my Dogma. Albino sheep spell disaster for you on Wednesday, but they get it wrong and are eliminated from the competition.

Paranoia is your friend this week, Taurus. Keep an especially close eye on your coworkers, they're planning on you experience a tragic, and fatal, computer error later today. To protect yourself, take your computer out to the parking lot and run over it with your car a couple of times, just to be safe.

If you reconfigure any network routers this week, Gemini, please remember to enable to VTY port with a transport input all statement, and to assign a password, otherwise you'll have problems when you try to operate the router remotely down the road. Remember, "I before E except after C, except for the exceptions."

Don't have the tuna salad sandwich for lunch today, Cancer. Stick with the chicken breast instead. Everyone knows that eating tuna during Pluto's retrograde is suicide. Don't be too embarassed when you forget to wear pants to work on Wednesday, it happens to everyone...ok, no it doesn't, you're a dumbass.

This is a great week to be a Leo, Leo. You will be showered with love and attention from all sides. Be wary of strange women wearing bright pink tights over their heads, though. They spell trouble.

Wonder why you're having trouble reading street signs, Virgo? Well, that old adage about masturbation making you go blind is actually true, in your case. Any time you pleasure yourself more than forty times in one weekend, be prepared for some lasting physical damage. On another note, your investments in the company that manufactures AstroGlide will begin to bear fruit in the coming month...

Just don't talk to me for a while, Libra, I'm still pissed off that you got drunk and hit on my sister over the weekend. Beware llamas bearing gifts.

If you decide to install new carpet this week, Scorpio, remember: Steamrollers may be heavy, but Jell-O will win the battle more often than not. Once you truly understand this principle, your will live the rich, full life you've always wanted.

Sagittarius, your week will be a bit boring until you're eaten on Wednesday by the twenty-foot-long radioactive python that's been living under your house for the last year. Thursday won't be much fun either, after you're laid off from work for being stupid enough not to notice the twenty-foot-long radioactive python that's been living under your house for the last year.


A visit to your chiropractor later this week goes terribly, terribly wrong, and leaves you unable to say the word "penis" without giggling. The influence of Mars on your sign this week points to strife, so be careful around any mimes you run across. Eat more fiber.
posted by S.C. @ 9:03 AM |


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