Thursday, February 09, 2006

Future Perfect - Midweek Edition

Hey hey hey, it's everybody's favorite astrologer, back for more. Let's see what we have here...

Horoscopes - Thursday, February 9th, 2006

Your parents are going to write you out of their will next week, so this weekend might be an opportune time to have a little "discussion" with them. Avoid front-loading washing machines for a few days.

You'll experience a bit of added stress this week, Pisces, when your best friend cuts the brakes on your car as a prank. Things should be smooth sailing after Saturday, though, so make the most of it by lounging in a hot tub full of strawberry Jell-O.

To paraphrase George W. Bush, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...shame on...we won't get fooled again."* Take this advice to heart this weekend, Aries, and launch a pre-emptive strike against one of your neighbors that may or may not be plotting against you. Make sure to pick the neighbor with the most valuable plot of land.

*actual G. W. Bush quote.

Don't be surprised if you see Halley's Comet over the weekend, Taurus. Though the fabled ice ball isn't due back for more than 50 years, you will have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see it for yourself, up close and personal, if you drink the Kool-Aide that those nice people in the white robes offer you.

Gemini, Venus' ascendancy in your sign gives you a larger than normal chance of getting laid this weekend.* Beware unexpected body hair.

* not actually true, but you can dream, can't you?

The confluence of Mars and Jupiter provide you ample opportunities for fun this weekend, Cancer. Go ahead, go wild, cut the "Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of Law" tags off your mattress and pillows.

Be sure to brush up on your air guitar skills, you never know when you might need them.

According to The Official Ninja Website:
"Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window."

Be sure to keep this in mind over the weekend, Virgo.

Your name is now Irene. Deal with it, you pansy.

Don't be a wuss like Irene, Scorpio, stand up for yourself. The next time that bus driver thinks he can just drive wherever and whenever he wants, remember, stand your ground. Pedestrians may not look dangerous, but there burns in you a fury like none other on Earth.

No matter how much fun it might sound like, avoid putting a lightbulb up your ass. It will only end badly for you. Chopped vegetables will give you trouble this weekend.

Your wildest dreams will come true this weekend, Capricorn, provided that your wildest dreams involve sitting on the couch at home, playing video games and wishing that your right hand was a little more friendly...
posted by S.C. @ 8:10 AM |


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