Thursday, February 16, 2006

Future Perfect - Post-Valentine's Edition

Greetings to you all!

Horoscopes - Thursday, February 16th, 2006

I'm sorry to say, this weekend will definitely not be the Age Of Aquarius for you. After you manage to drop your cellphone into the toilet on Friday (nice job there, sport), you manage to drop a laptop, keyboard, electric razor, and food processor in the toilet on Saturday. Avoid legal-size paper this weekend.

Look! I got a new phone! Ain't it nifty?

What, you want something about your future? Jesus, you Pisces, all you ever want to hear about is yourselves. Ever consider that I might have things going on in my life, too? You selfish bastard...

The threads of your fate are as tangled as the cords behind your computer desk this weekend, Aries, but don't fret. When in doubt, drink beer. Your children are plotting against you, so make sure to strike first by sending them to bed with no dinner.

I'll let you in on a secret, Taurus...I've seen your sister naked. And, daaaamn, she's fine-looking. I'd tap that ass in a second, yo. In fact, I foresee that I will, and soon. Make sure to frequent a 7-11 this weekend.

I hate to break it to you, Gemini, but you will not be getting laid for a very, very, very long time, due to Uranus' position relative to the Ecliptic. Even your right hand will reject you this weekend.

You'll take up painting this weekend as you slowly go insane, Cancer. Rest assured that, in a decade, your work will be considered the best example of 21st century American art by the majority of the art world. Of course, you'll have died from a combination of syphilis and a bus accident by then, but your name will live on through history.

Lovely Leo, your weekend will be filled with happiness, joy, and maybe some breakfast in bed. Look to add another three or four crossword puzzles to the Crossword Puzzle Mass Grave by your side of the bed, and to be coerced into watching the Battlestar Galactica mini-series on DVD..

You're going to have a busy weekend, Virgo. After an eventful visit to the zoo (don't be afraid to sling your poo back at those damn baboons), you will single-handly save the residents of a burning orphanage, the acclaim from which will last several weeks, until people start to find out what you were doing in the orphanage at 3am in the first place...


For safety reasons, I'm going to suggest that you avoid going on any hunting trips with any members of the Executive Branch of the U.S. Government this weekend, Libra. Steer clear of small dogs wearing sweaters for a few days, as well.

I know money's tight this time of year, but it may be time to splurge on that "special massage" you've been thinking about getting.

Your lucky lotto numbers: 2, 5, 13, 22.12, 32 1/2

You'll need to survive on a diet consisting of condensed milk and stale candy corn over the next week, Saggitarius, after you accidentally lock yourself into some old nut's fallout shelter. Don't worry, they'll be able to gas axe the door open before the air supply runs out, but not before the stench of your unwashed body becomes completely unbearable.

They're coming for you tonight, Capricorn. People say you're just paranoid, but it's not paranoia when they're really after you, right? If you want to pre-lube yourself to make the anal probing go smoother, feel free. They appreciate the effort.
posted by S.C. @ 7:36 AM |


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