Monday, February 13, 2006

Future Perfect - Pre-Valentine's Horoscopes

This is what you get when I try to be witty when I can't even focus my eyes.

Horoscopes - Thursday, February 9th, 2006

Aquarius
This will be a good week for you, Aquarius, as you finally realize that puppies, like plants, grow faster if you urinate on them. Try to spread the love to as many doggies as you can this week, and remember that dogs wearing sweaters are ripe targets for your golden stream of growth.


Pisces
Pisces, you know I normally encourage you whole-heartedly to emulate Dick Cheney in all of your mannerisms, but this week you should lay off, in an effort to avoid shooting a hunting buddy. Instead, it will behoove you this week if you make Sen. Ted Stevens your role model, as a number of people are going to try to reason with you to get you to change your mind on something, and it is in your personal best interest to treat them as if they're insane. Mountain goats are an ill omen for you this week.



Aries

Aries, Aries, Aries. What can I say? I mean, I wish I could tell you that the itchy, burning sensation you're feeling *didn't* come from the baboons at the zoo, but why lie? On a positive note, you will find your life filled with laughter this week after you sell all of your posessions, leave the kids with your mother, and become a traveling stand-up comic.



Taurus

Just go back to bed. You'll be really glad you did.


Gemini
"Some look for religions, others look for truth." Bear this piece of wisdom in mind this week, Gemini, when you find yourself in a bar with a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde. Beware black cats operating heavy mining equipment.


Cancer
Do your best to avoid kicking small dogs this week, Cancer. Karma can be a bitch, and Saturn's early-morning appearances suggest that she's on the prowl this week. When in doubt, play strip poker with a city councilman.



Leo

This is a good week for you to play naked in the snow, Leo. If you don't have any snow on the ground near you, play naked in the local ice cream shop instead. Rocky Road and Super Fudge Vanilla Chunk Supreme are your flavors of the week.


Virgo
Give it up, Virgo. Your attempts to psychically seduce David Letterman will never work since he's been court-ordered to have special metallic shielding installed around his brain to prevent his incredibly powerful thought-waves from causing women across the country to go bankrupt. Instead, try and bend your will to making David Hasselhoff's head explode on national TV.


Libra
Avoid the following this week, they will only bring you problems: Cats, dogs, goats, sheep, airplanes, cars, diamonds, baseballs, pine trees, Christmas decorations, Jehova's Witnesses, mob witnesses, Steven Tyler, bathing, sunshine, lawn chairs, cinder blocks, and 34-year old women named Suzanne.


Scorpio
You really need to work on your snoring problem this week, Scorpio. Also, try to be a little less slovenly in your style of dress. Stand up straight. Wipe your nose. Comb your hair. Don't slouch! Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you, so help me, I don't know why I ever let your father talk me into not using a condom. "The Pill is all you need," he said. "Nothing could go wrong!" he said.



Sagittarius

This week is a good week to get stoned and listen to The Dark Side of The Moon. They say that, if you sync it up right, the lyrics match up perfectly with the lip motions from the latest State Of The Union address. Give it a try!


Capricorn

Oh, hell, I don't know. Some things will happen, you'll see some people, eat some food, sleep a whole bunch, that kind of thing. Face it, you're going to be pretty boring this week, Capricorn.
posted by S.C. @ 7:30 AM |

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