Thursday, February 23, 2006

Future Perfect - Sunny Thursday Edition

Horoscopes - Thursday, February 23th, 2006

Did you know that you get better gas mileage if you let all of the air out of your tires? Also, black paint is an excellent stain remover, stop signs with white lines around the border are optional, and 4 inches really is a "good length."

Try to avoid insulting any concert pianists this weekend. That's all I've got for you.

Time to kick that charm into high gear, Aries, as you are called upon to pacify a crowd of unruly drunks who claim to have been insulted by a duck that looks like a hotrod and keeps talking about "duck erections." (We won't even go into what he reportedly said about "duck gang bangs") Also, be aware that your cat may have had a hand (paw) in planning the latest attempt on your life. When all else fails, Jell-O shots can help take the edge off.

Damnit, go to the gym. You keep putting it off so you can go "flying", or whatever you want to call it. In fact, I want you to drop and give me twenty, right now.

Marzipan chocolates with walnut sprinkles may be demonstrably viscous, but kittens wearing ribbons offset the Moon's waning phase with their versimmilitude. Eat more pork.

Cancer, when asked for input regarding an issue of tribal sovereignty this weekend, just remember the words of our steadfast President:

"Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

Excercise patience this week, Leo, with people who just don't get it. Remember, killing them and dumping their bodies may be fun, but who is going to do their job if they're floating in the bottom of the river?

Remember that snuggling is the best form of therapy, and making sweet love down by the fire helps, too. Make sure not to forget to finish any Scrabble games that have been put on hold.

Virgo, I know what you did, and if you don't want me to tell a certain Mama of Edginess that you put on a brown wig and borrowed someone's green Toyota SUV just so you could put a dent in the Mamamobile, you'd better pony up some cash right away.

In other news, expect to be attacked by a squadron of feisty chipmunks later this week.

Try to keep your cool this weekend, Libra, as you are beset by legions of rabid Dave Matthews fans after some remarks of yours are taken out of context. (Though, how someone could take "Dave Matthews is a horrible, horrible person who makes shitty music and should be put to death for the good of the entire country" out of context is beyond me.) Have someone smack you around for a while, it'll make you feel better.

If you go skydiving this weekend, Scorpio, remember to take your parachute. Major actions have major consequences. Don't shit where you eat. Or is it sleep? God, I don't know. **Insert the generic warning / axiom of your choice here.**

Juipter just completed its first full revolution in your sign in more than a decade, Sagittarius. This is a cause for celebration, as your genital warts will soon be leaving you. Don't forget to give thanks to the gods by burning your neighbors' cat as a sacrifice.

Watch out for low-flying waterfowl this weekend, Capricorn. During the late winter / early spring months, ducks and geese are known to practice dive bombing moving targets. Women named Larry are the source of some intrigue on Sunday.
posted by S.C. @ 2:30 PM |


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