Monday, February 06, 2006

Future Perfect - Your Horoscope For The Week

Since some people seem to enjoy my version of the horoscopes a little too much, I thought I'd share with the rest of the world. I'm going to try to do this weekly basis, or even bi-weekly if you're really, really lucky.

Edit: For those who are curious, I'm a Taurus. That's why I'm always so full of bullsh*it.

Horoscopes - Monday, February 6th, 2006

Aquarius
On Tuesday, you will develop ESP for about four hours, so make the best of it. On Thursday, be careful around open flame. It's nothing serious, but eyebrows take a while to grow back.


Pisces
Something about your week will be slightly fishy. (Get it? Fishy? Pisces? Man, I crack myself up.) Keep an eye out for Ken Lay, as he has it in for you. Cough drops present special opportunities.


Aries
Dearest Aries, do you remember that thing that one person told you would happen, but you would prefer it didn't, because of that other thing? Yeah, it's going to happen anyway. You will have a nice salad for lunch on Wednesday.


Taurus
This is a good week to take care of any lingering issues, except in the northern part of the country, where the ground is too frozen for gravedigging. Don't go into any china shops this week.


Gemini
Gemini, you will experience some severe deja vu this week.


Gemini
Gemini, you will experience some severe deja vu this week.


Cancer
Cancer, the message you will find on your answering machine from the IRS this evening isn't serious, so take your time responding. Try to get as much sleep as you can this week, you'll need it. This is a bad week to get a bikini wax.


Leo
Lucky Leo, I'm afraid this week you're being stalked by a nifty little evolutionary badass called "the common cold." (Sorry, babe.) This is a great week for revenge, due to Pluto's position relative to the ecliptic, so be sure to spit in the coffee of the guy who gave it to you.


Virgo
Virgo, the stars have aligned for you this week, so make the most of it. Go ahead and attempt that bank robbery you have planned for Wednesday, but if you get caught, shot, Tazered, or beaten by a security guard, it's your own damn fault. Watch out for shellfish on Friday.


Libra
You think you know all the answer, don't you? Well, we'll see how you like having your head shaved by rabid firefighters who are looking for a golden idol. Fucking smartass.


Scorpio
I know what you did. And if you'd prefer that nobody else knows, send me cash.


Sagittarius
Seriously, dude, if you're looking to some crackpot's theories about how the stars influence your life, you're already lost. That being said, watch out for open elevator shafts this week.


Capricorn
Capricorn, Jupiter has gone into an unexpected retrograde in your sign this week, which will lead you to a Yanni concert before the week is out. Try you best to limit your masturbation this week.
posted by S.C. @ 3:42 PM |

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