Monday, March 06, 2006

Future Perfect - Big Yawn Edition

Horoscopes - Monday, March 6nd, 2006
Sorry, folks, I can't promise any brilliance this morning. I'll try to do better on Thursday.


You should know, Aquarius, that one of the hotties that you will sleep with this week has an STD. I'd tell you which one, but I enjoy Russian roulette so much...

Nobody loves you, Pisces, they just want your money and connections. Your dog only hangs around because you give out good snacks. And you were adopted.

Try to make the best out of the things you have in life.

Aries, this week will be considerably calmer than last week for you, mainly because of your new prescription for Valium. Do yourself a favor, though, and make sure not to look under your daughter's bed for a while.


Do your best not to be stung by a massive hoard of supernaturally altered bees over the next few days, Taurus, as that can only lead to bad things. Enjoy any deep conversations you have with dogs.


Gemini, now that the Pope has an iPod, you should feel free to start dancing again, no matter what John Lithgow says. Eat more squash.


Cancer, Cancer, Cancer. Do I really have to explain to you how much of a schmuck you are? I mean, the women's underwear thing is fine, really, but the thing with the mayonaise is just taking it several steps too far.

As June Carter said when asked how she was doing, "I'm just trying to matter." This is a week that will help restore your sense that you have an impact on something great, and that you are damn good at what you do.

Wednesday might hold a surprise meeting with an in-law in an unexpected place.

Try not to be too surprised tomorrow, Virgo, when you suddenly begin to lay eggs. You'll only be laying for a couple of hours, and after you've pumped out the first hundred, it won't even hurt anymore.


Libra, this is a good week for you to relax. Too bad you won't be able to, after a rabid purple giraffe destroys your backyard in a fit of cocaine-induced rage. Also, lay off the peyote.

Scorpio, this week will be fraught with danger after you visit a store specializing in implanted memories of vacations that you never took, only to learn that you're a secret agent who has a mission to complete on Mars.

This is the week for you to throw caution to the wind, Sagittarius, and go ahead and get the operation you've always dreamed of but never had the balls to have. And, after they lop off all of your boy bits, make sure to keep the leftovers, as a souvenir.


Remember the lesson of Elvis, Capricorn, namely that you only get worse with age. If you really want to make a lasting impression, you should really find a way to die in a spectacular fashion before your 30th birthday. I'm just sayin', that's all.
posted by S.C. @ 8:54 AM |


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