Thursday, March 02, 2006

Future Perfect - In Like A Lion Edition

Horoscopes - Thursday, March 2nd, 2006


Aquarius
This weekend you may feel like you're hemmed in by invisible walls, unable to move more than a few feet in any one direction. You may feel like you only live for those moments when some unseen force dispenses food into your chamber, and you may spend each day praying that the filtration system doesn't break down again, because you really don't want to spend three more days swimming around in your own shit.


Pisces
You will be shot with a crossbow at 12:42pm on Sunday. Try not to bleed all over the new rug.


Aries
Hey, Aries, be sure to check behind your computer monitor while you're doing your spring-cleaning, I'm pretty sure there's a technically advanced civilization that has sprung to life inside a coffee mug that's been there for a few months. While you might consider attempting to establish trade relations with them, it will just be more fun if you play God and visit a whole bunch of nasty disasters upon them.


Taurus
Do your best to remain calm in the face of raging stupidity over the next few days, Taurus. The rewards will be great. However, if you need to vent, may I suggest driving down the street in a car with a stereo that can cause people to go deaf from 20 feet away?


Gemini
This being the Century of the Fruitbat in some cultures, Gemini, you will be safe not filing taxes for this year. Any visits by the IRS will be entirely coincidental.

On a side note, your computer is infected with a whole bunch of nasty spyware. Have fun cleaning that off.


Cancer
Oh My God, you are going to get the bird-flu, AIDS and hepatitis, all on Saturday, which will drive you insane, so you will run stark naked through the streets until you are hit by a car and thrown into a ditch, where you will lie for several hours, occasionally being molested by a horny deer, until you are found and thrown into jail for being drunk in public.

Sunday will be a good day for a golf outing.


Leo
Lady Leos, this is a great weekend to lie in bed and bask for a while. Don't worry, the orange juice and soy sauce odor won't linger in the house forever.

Lions, get your manes trimmed. Also, catch and eat some small vermin, mice are especially tasty.


Virgo
Our cover has been blown. They're on to us. Operation in peril. Discontinue communications until furthur notice.


Libra
Male Libras need to take drastic measures this weekend. Go out to a bar, and start asking random women to marry you. Marry the first one that says yes. Lifelong happiness is garunteed.

Female Libras, if a random dude comes up to you and asks you to marry him, kick him in the balls.


Scorpio
Damnit, Scorpio, your boss isn't paying you to surf the Internet all day! Get your lazy ass back to work before I tell him what all of those "miscellaneous" charges on your expense report were.


Sagittarius
Sagittarius, do you ever feel lonely, confused, out-of-place? Have you ever wondered if everybody felt this way, or if it was just you? Well, I'm here to tell you, it's just you, you whining, sniffling little freak.

Do your best to remember to check under the toilet seat for snakes this weekend.


Capricorn
Avoid eating deep-fried spiders this week, Capricorn, as everybody knows that, when Saturn is in this position on the astral plane, ill fates await those who consume arachnids dipped in fat. Make sure your car and life insurance policies are up to date. Why? Oh, no reason...
posted by S.C. @ 8:12 AM |

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